


Don't Leave

by BizzlRoklyptc



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-01-31 14:41:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 36,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18593365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BizzlRoklyptc/pseuds/BizzlRoklyptc
Summary: Story behind one of Nick Carter's best friends. When she has to chose between her best friend and her husband Brian Littrell. This story was written back in 2010 with a close friend of mine. Her character is Naudia, mine is Amari.Enjoy!





	1. The Start

As we sat in the hospital lobby awaiting the doctor's word, I began to think back on our lives together. I remember my first time meeting him. I was 12 years old, living in Orlando. I had a babysitting job and I babysat this little kid about half my junior. He had blonde hair and blue eyes. Little firecracker I would call him because once he got hyped up, he wouldn't stop. His brother was my best friend. He would pick on me all the time and we would hang out like best buddies. "Amari you are going to make someone a great wife one day." he told me one year. It was the year he left to join the Backstreet Boys. 

"Nicky you and I both know the guy that marries me will have their hands full!" We joke about a lot of stuff. Even when he got with the backstreet boys, he swore up and down one of them had the most serious crush on me and he had me thinking it was AJ. Me and AJ got really close to a point and he ended up telling me that Brian was the one. My thoughts went back and forth from the hospital to the time I met Brian with nick. 

(1997)  
"OOPS! I am so sorry I didn't mean to back into your car!" I said with my hands over my mouth. Nick laughed the entire time. "Chill Ama, you will not have to pay for this..." I shook my head. "Nick I just backed into his car!" I watched in a panic as Brian searched his car for more damage. There wasn't much but a fender bender and a scratch. He looked at me. "You alright?" He asked. I nodded slowly. Nick nudged me to bring me out of my trance. "Ama...Amari...HELLO!" I was locked into Brian's eyes from day one. 

"Amari?" The call of my name broke into my thoughts. Brian was holding my hands. "Amari, the doctor wants to talk to you and Naudia." I got up off my chair and told him that I would be back. As I walked to Nick's room, I had another flashback. The first time I met Naudia.

(2001)

"Nicky who is she?" I asked as I pulled his shirt. Nick stared into the mirror at his newly shown facial hair. "um...a girl...I met at a club...she's 19..." I nudged him. "She is no stripper!" His baby boy smile flashed on his face. "No Amari…she's not...she's...great. she'll be here today after the shoot...and we're going to dinner, so I have to cancel on you tonight." I sighed. "It's alright...I'm going with Brian anyway." He froze in the mirror. "you're what?" I rubbed the top of my head. "I said I was going with Brian. Duh, you know as in a alone time?" 

Nick didn't like that fact that I spent most of my time with Brian now that I found someone else to be around. Some other guy. But he wasn’t just some other guy. Just like Nick, Brian was special to me in every possible way. I couldn't ask for a better best friend nor could I ask for a better mate.

(2002)

The day I took Brian's name was the hardest time of Nicks' life. I was giving my entire life to another guy that I knew Nick would approve of, or so I thought. The wedding was in an uproar almost. Nick objected to our wed.

"if anyone should think that these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace." I stared into Brian's eyes and smiled. He smiled back. I heard gasps in the crowd and turned my attention to the groomsmen. It was nick. Holding up his hand. "I object." I felt my heart sink. "NICK!?" Nick came up to us in a slow pace. "I'm sorry Amari, honey I can't do this..." I looked at Brian in shock still holding his hands. "But...Nick…why didn't you tell me this before?" Nick shook his head. "Amari you are my best friend...and…I can't see you with no one else..." I sighed. Nick tried to avoid tears. He wiped his face multiple times. 

I let go of Brian's hands and asked to be excused. I took nick out to the courtyard where we could talk in private. "NICK…why would you do this to me?!" My dress cascaded on the steps of the church. "I can't lose you to him." he said sitting on the steps looking out. I walked up to him. "Nick, I love him. So much, he means the world to me and you know that…why would I be with someone who didn't make me happy?" Nick shrugged. "I dunno...he isn't a bad guy...I just…if you get married...our friendship will be over." I sat down next to him. "we took a vow nick, to be best friends regardless...I would never break that vow…ever...today I am taking a vow to be with Brian for the rest of my life and I would never break that ever either. Nicky he treats me so much better than the others and you know that. you should be happy for me."

Nick nodded vigorously. "I am Amari I am. It's hard...we've always been best friends since we were 12 and I just want it to stay that way." I touched Nick's cheek. "Nicky you will always be my best friend. All my life, but I want to get married...today." 

My thoughts broke again when Naudia came in. I hugged her and we waited on the doctor. "Mrs. Littrell and Mrs. Carter, the status on Mr. Carter doesn't look fatal...but his cancer is spreading, the only thing we can do is remove it. The surgery is dangerous. Very many make it." I looked at Naudia with sad eyes. "what do you want us to do?" The doctor pointed to the door. "Talk to Nick and see what he wants to do." The doctor didn't need to tell me anymore less. I had to talk to nick now.


	2. At first glance

CHAPTER 2

"1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 6 7 8...again!"

The choir director yelled in the mic as the group stood on the edge of the stage on barstools singing a song. I sighed in frustration. Today was the day nick was coming back home after being gone for an entire year and I couldn't wait to see him. "when I had you i treated you bad and wrong my dear boy since, since you've been gone...don't you know I sit around with my head hanging down, and I wonder whose loving you...life without love…is oh so lonely...I don't think...I don't think I'm gonna make it...all my life…all my li--" I was cut off by a shout by the door. "AMARI!" I stopped and stared at the few that were at the door.

Crystal tapped me. "Amari you got fans." she kidded in a soft tone. I sat the mic down and shaded my eyes from the bright lights. Once the guy that was extremely short once before was a tower. He was walking up to the stage. "Nicky?!" I shouted. He then waved a hand. I became extremely excited and sat my mic down and jumped off stage and ran up to him. He picked me up off the ground. "Wow, you have gotten so BIG!" I said. he put me down. "yea and you've...stayed the same." I laughed. "nick oh my GOD you grew! you look...wow" I was amazed to the fullest. I mean he was a short geeky kid and he grew up...like really.

"I have come to take you to lunch, let’s go." I looked at my two bandmembers. "um...hey girls take a lunch will ya!" I shouted as nick pulled my arm out the door. "Hold ON!" I said to nick as we made it out of the door. I showed him my car. "Nice huh?" I asked. It was a explorer and I bought it with my first check with the girls. "are you guys a real group?" He asked as we got into the car. I fixed my reviews and set the radio station. Quit playing games was blaring out the speakers. "Oh Nicky this song is so sweet! I love the fellas’ voices on it. when do I get to meet them?" I was backing out of the spot I was in and when suddenly I heard a "SCRAP!" I closed my eyes to the sound and hung my head. I noticed nick had turned around and started to laugh.

"how would you like to meet one now??" I sighed and began to pray. "please god not a scratch...please god not a scratch." I unbuckled my seatbelt and took in a deep breath. who knew what I was about to get myself into...I probably bumped into the tall one who everyone sought to be the father of the group...or worse, the bad boy of the group...I would hate to piss them off.

"OOPS! I am so sorry I didn't mean to back into your car!" I said with my hands over my mouth. Nick laughed the entire time. "Chill Ama, you will not have to pay for this." I shook my head. "Nick I just backed into his car!" I watched in a panic as Brian searched his car for more damage. There wasn't much but a fender bender and a scratch. He looked at me. "You alright?" He asked. I nodded slowly. Nick nudged me to bring me outta my trance. "Ama...Amari...HELLO!" Nick nudged me again. I shook it off. "huh? oh...I am sorry...um...Brian, right?? I am sorry...I can pay for it really I can-" I he held up his hand. "It’s ok…you guys alright? It's just a rental...I will have this thing sent back and fix the bumper."

Nick was still laugh. "Frick this is my other best friend, Amari Colette." Brian held out his hand to shake mine. "nice to meet you Brian...finally. you are like my favorite Backstreet Boy." Brian smiled. "thanks." "WHAT?!" Nick declared. I nodded. "yes Nicky he is...anyway...we'd better go…Nick and I have catching up to do." I told Brian goodbye and got back into my car with nick.

"Amari..." I heard once I got to the room with Naudia and her little brother. "nick I'm here ok, its okay hon I'm here." I grabbed his hands and stared into his eyes searching for his childlike presence. there wasn't any. "Naudia is here with Kile...she just got here...the doctor told us about your surgery." Nick shook his head. "I’m not doing it." I looked at his monitors. "Nicky...you have a wife who loves you and your family the fellas you can't give up the surgery is your only choice for survival."

Nick shook his head again. "Amari, I can take care of my wife just like this." I nodded. "can you nick? can you? sick? unable to move? you throw up every day because of the medicine. You aren't capable of being like this! You NEED this." Nick sighed. "I will think about it..." I sighed. I tried to hold in tears. "we vowed to be best friends until the end...don't take yourself out nick...you are worth more here than gone." I spotted tears falling from nick's eyes. 

"I promise..." I looked at Naudia and told her that she could talk to him. I had to leave to get air. I told her I would take Kile, but he didn't want to go with me. I made it back near Brian and sat down in the chair. "what happened?" Brian asked quietly. I shook my head. "He won't do it, he won't save himself." I began to cry. I had to think of a way to get through this. I mean he was my best friend. like a brother to me and I couldn't see him suffer like this. 

I looked at Brian. His eyes were red as well. "he'll be ok Amari, I promise..." I placed a hand on Brian's shoulder. I had no words to explain the way I felt. I couldn't lie and say that I was okay or anything. "I gotta go home." I said quietly. Brian looked up. "what about nick?" I took in a breath. "I have to go home. He's ok Naudia is here with him. She needs to be with him." 

Once we got home to our house, Brian started to feel sick. I told him to take some medicine, but he told me it wasn't that kind of sick. Brian didn't even make it to the bedroom. He laid on the couch and pulled the blankets over his head. "Bri, you ok?" I sat next to him and patted his back. "can you call 911." He said to me. I couldn't reconcile what he was trying to say. "what? call 911??" I reached over to him but he didn't move. "Amari! please call 911!" Brian then suddenly moved over slightly and fell off the couch. I screamed.

"BRIAN!" I searched for something that could make him fall. I searched for a pulse or anything. I grabbed my phone in the process but no service. "SHIT, Brian please, c’mon wake up." His eyes were closed, and I got up to see his face clearly. I touched it to get him to open his eyes. "baby please open your eyes...what is happening tell me!" I said in sobs.

Brian barely opened his eyes to look at me. "get help..." he said quietly. I shook my head. "NO no no..I am not leaving you here to die! what's wrong?!" I placed my hands on his chest and felt his heart beat slow tremendously. I began to cry again. Brian moved his hand and held mine. "I love you..." I shook my head. "please...what is it? is it your heart? what? Brian please tell me..." Brian closed his eyes.

I began to panic. I couldn't leave him here alone. He could die and I don't even know what of. I reached for my phone again and tried to call 911. "hello?! C’mon pick up dammit!!" the dispatcher answered. "911 what is your emergency?" I looked at Brian. "my husband is having a heart attack and I need someone here asap! Please!" the dispatcher tried to calm me down. "ma’am where are you?" I took a breath. "2365 east castle...complex 12 please hurry!" 

the dispatcher hung up with me and I turned my attention back to Brian. "the paramedic is on its way Brian. Hang in there for me. You will make it." Brian stretched his hands and tried to feel them. "My hands...are numb." I didn't like that idea. the left or right side is always to go numb during something like this. "you'll be ok...I promise...I won't let you die here." His heavy breathing increased, and it sounded as if he was losing breaths. I tried to keep calm. I grabbed Brian's hands and squeezed them. "Brian Littrell you listen to me, hang on ok…don't you dare leave me." 

I had no clue on what he was feeling and I sure in the hell hoped the paramedics got here faster than they say. 10 minutes have been passed since I called them. I needed to call again I was getting frantic. I called AJ to come over to the house so I could at least have an extra person. He arrived within minutes. "You showed up quicker than the paramedics." AJ looked scared. "what's happening to him?" He said looking at Brian as if he was being killed in front of his eyes. "Don't stare like that AJ...he's going to be fine..."

I asked AJ to help me get Brian back on the couch. The floor may be uncomfortable to him at this moment. "1..2...3." we both lifted Brian off the floor and placed him on the couch. "now what?" I looked at my watch. "20 minutes...and they aren't here yet! shit what could possibly take them so damn long." AJ looked around. "there is a store behind you right…well you can have Brian take some nitroglycerin...or some Asprin...it helps cease the heart attack action until he gets help...right?" It couldn't hurt. AJ went to the bathroom to find some Asprin to give to Brian.

I just stared at him. He kept his eyes closed. Just like with Nick, I had a flashback. This was the worse day of my life...I couldn't bear to lose my best friend and my husband in the same day.


	3. Protector of the heart

"I so can't believe I backed into his car!" I said as Nick and I were in the McDonalds. Nick laughed to himself the whole time during my meltdown. "Amari its cool, he wasn't even mad, he seemed cool by it. I will just have to hear about him wanting to meet you." I looked up from my big mac to Nick. "what? what do you mean? He knows me? Nicky I have never meet him in my entire life." Nick laughed. "I told them about you all the time." 

I sat back in my chair. "I so hate you...so what does this mean??" Nick took some fries. "That's not all...ya know AJ was the first to jump the gun in talking to you first..." I looked out the window to see a few people pointing at us. "um...AJ Mclean? really? isn't he the-" Nick cut me off. "he's not bad. he's very mellow. you should talk to him. he'll be at the stadium where you were. we're doing a show there tonight."

"ok, is it like a BIG show or a charity thing?" "Just a small show. For charity." I felt like he was up to something. I didn't know what. He was always the one to do stuff like this. Have me in a bind and then laughing at me afterwards. 

"Amari! I got them!" I was sitting there trying to not pass out from watching Brian dose off. AJ came in the house with a pharmacy bag with nitroglycerin and asprins." AJ tossed me the bag and went into the kitchen to get some water I read the precautions of the nitroglycerin and tried to remember if I was supposed to give them to Brian or not. I opened it and tried to get Brian to take it. "c’mon Brian you gotta take this." He shook his head slowly. He didn't speak. "what's the matter? C’mon Brian are you insane? do you know you could die right here?!" I shouted not meaning to.

AJ came over to me and had to calm me down. "Amari he isn't having a heart attack, it's a stroke...that explains the numbness. We have to get him to the hospital fast." My heart was racing. "What's the matter?" AJ sighed and began to pick Brian up. "This stroke can cause him to lose all mobility and his communication skills...if we aren't fast enough. he could become completely unable to do anything for himself.

A sob managed to escape my mouth, but I held it in. "we're going to the hospital...I can't keep waiting on the paramedics...you're driving and we're not doing the speed limit." I helped AJ carry Brian out to the car. "But the hospital is 10 minutes away, I can get pulled over." I stared at AJ. "AJ, I don't want him to die, we need to get there fast as we can, ok?" He nodded and we got into the car and drove off. 

In the backseat I tried to communicate with Brian as much as I could. He wouldn't respond to me at all. Just looked at me. "what has happened to you?" I asked only to myself. While in the backseat, I remembered the time I had asked AJ about my crush. 

"C’mon AJ tell me!" AJ shook his head. He was looking in a magazine at their newly published interview. They just finished Millennium. "PLEASE!" I shouted again. Kevin came into the room staring. "Amari can you keep it down some. We don't want to get put out of the house." I stared. "Sorry, AJ has a secret that is about me and he won't tell me!!" I tapped AJ on the shoulder. He turned to me and placed the magazine down as if he could swat me. I stepped back. "TELL ME!" AJ shook his head. "Amari Colette get outta my face!" He said picking up the magazine. I sighed. 

"If it's not you and if it's not Howie...is it Kevin or Brian?" Kevin was in the kitchen and I heard him shout. "It's not ME!!" I felt myself get quiet. I sat down on the armrest where AJ sat. "It's Brian…ok so…what do I do?? he is so quiet...and... hell AJ help me!" AJ sat the magazine down. "girl...ok fine…look tonight at dinner, just talk to him. he is more open minded when alone. And don't bring up the fellas at all. if you do, he will think we told you what he said about you." I stared again. "which was??" AJ shook his head. "sorry, I won' tell that one." I sighed. "damn getting you to talk is like getting a horse to drink..." 

Kevin came back in the living room with a sandwich. "It's not that hard Amari..." AJ snickered. "yea right says the country boy who owned like 2 horses!" I laughed to myself. 

We made it to the hospital quicker than I thought. I ran outta the car and went inside to get some assistance. "QUICK! HELP! I NEED HELP!" A doctor ran up to me fast. "what is it ma’am? are you hurt?" I shook my head. "No, my husband is having a stroke or something in the car and I called here 20 minutes ago but no one came." The doctor quickly got some EMTs to help him get Brian out the car. AJ came running in as soon as they ran out. "c’mon we gotta get out the way." they all came in trying to get Brian to come back. Come back? It never crossed my mind at all. I immediately began to panic again. "NO!! BRIAN!!" 

AJ held me in one position as the stretcher with Brian passed us. what the hell was happening? I was so confused. He was fine when we were here with nick. What could have possibly caused him to be like this. I'd give anything to trade places with him...I'd rather be in that position then him. I'd take anything else but this moment right here.

 

After asking AJ all of those questions, I managed to catch up with Brian at the park. He spends most of his time here now that they were on a break. Him and Nick were shooting baskets. They spotted me coming and got quiet. "Beat it Carter, Littrell and I have some business to take care of." Nick stared. "huh?" I waved a hand at him. "later carter." Nick knew what I was doing. He had to have. Brian stared. "what was that about?" I took the ball from him. "you and I got some stuff to talk about. 

Brian took the ball from me. "ok talk." He started to dribble the ball. "you have something that I need to know?" Brian stared in that unsure way. "Um...no?" I nodded. "yea you do. I am here to find out. you had a talk with AJ 2 weeks ago about me?" Brian pretended to look around at something. "It's going to rain, we'd better get back to the house." I stared. "oh no, you aren't changing the subject on me this time." I saw him smile at me and bounce the ball next to him. "you have dinner with me tonight…and I will tell you all you want to know." I crossed my arms. "oh so you know what I am talking about. then?" Brian raised an eyebrow. "you heard it from AJ…you should know it all by now."

In the hospital I paced back and forth as I waited on an answer. I saw Naudia come out with Kile in her hands. She looked ok. So, nick was alright. "Amari what are you still doing here? I thought you went home or something?" I nodded. "I did…I did...but Brian...had a heart attack…or stroke or something...and I called the paramedics and they never showed...and I think he's going to die..." I burst into small tears fast. Naudia comforted me a little. "He'll be fine just like Nicky Ama, they will both be fine." 

Seconds later, AJ showed up again asking me to talk to the doctor. It was the same doctor that talked to me before. "Mrs. Littrell Brian has a tendency to not tell when he is hurting am I right?" I nodded. "yea he has a high tolerance for pain...why?" The doctor showed me Brian's chart. "we're going to take some xrays of his heart. He is fine now but for some reason, he had been having these contractions of his heart all day." I stared at the doctor. "All day?? We've been at the hospital all day...how so?"

The doctor rested his hands on the counter. "Strain on the heart can cause a stroke even a heart attack...The hole in his heart is fine but the arteries are clogged up as with an elderly patient in need of a new heart." I stopped the doctor in mid sentence. "what? you mean to tell me he needs a transplant?" The doctor nodded. "yes, soon. It takes time though. we have to find the right blood type and the right size heart..." I sighed. "Is it up to me or him?" the doctor stared at me as if I was a madwoman. "you have a choice...but it is up to Brian." I flopped back against the wall. "can he talk??" the doctor nodded. "Some what...his communication skills are coming back...and that was one thing I wanted to talk to you about..." 

"his communication skills have nothing to do with this...he didn't fall anywhere...unless you are talking about his brain..." the doctor nodded. "oh god...no....please don't tell me that..." He nodded. "I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news...but he is at risk...of an aneurism." As if this couldn't get any worse. "Can I see him??" He nodded and led me to the nearest room. "You'll have to talk slow and quiet when speaking to him." I nodded and went in. it was dim and the monitors already were loud as ever. 

I went up to the bed to see Brian wiht a tube up his nose. I walked up to him without any acknowledge that I was here. I made sure he knew I was here before grabbing his hands. "Brian, can you hear me?" He nodded. "yea..." he said in a faint whisper. "do you remember what happened?" I asked quietly. Brian swallowed hard and tried to remember. "I don't remember...I'm sorry...I should have told you..." I shook my head and hushed him. "It's alright baby it's ok...I'm not mad...the doctor said-" Brian coughed a bit that caused the monitors to go crazy. I held my breath. "I know...I overheard...I'm dying..."

 

I kneeled to his level. "Don't say that!" I said in a stern whisper. "you aren't going to die they will help you..." Brian shook his head then looked out the window. "I worried so much about nick...I didn't want to worry you about what was wrong with me..." I stared. "I wouldn't dare put nick before you...I married you Brian, yes nick and I are best friends, but you hold my heart don't you see that? I can always look at you and say that you chose me to marry..." Brian sighed. "I feel like I am not enough..." I touched Brian's face. "Brian you are enough...you always have been..."

I was quiet. "remember our first date...we went to the movies...and you were worried about getting spotted?" I had to think back. After I had begged AJ to tell me about my crush, I went to Brian and asked. He told me at a dinner about it then asked me out to the movies. I laughed to myself. "you were so nervous to talk to me...it was like you were a whole other person." 

As we sat in the movie theater, I felt like I was being watched. Maybe I felt guilty for being out with Brian. I knew AJ had pushed me into this and Nick insisted. So, I went with it. Once in a while, Brian would try to the stretch to get the arm across me deal. I thought it was cute. I turned to him after his second attempt. "are you a lady’s man?" I asked. He had confusion written all over his face. "huh?" I laughed. "if you aren't a ladies man, you shouldn't try so hard. We made it this far you will be alright." 

Brian gave me his awkward smile. "ok so now what miss? what do I do now?" I looked at the movie screen at the couple about to kiss. It sent me some ideas, but I didn't say anything. "well...we watch the movie." I leaned back against Brian and let his arm wrap around me. After the movies, he took me back to my house. "I had fun tonight. next time I pick the movie?" Brian said as we were on my porch. I shook my head. "No way I heard of the movies you watch. I don't want no creeper at my window after the movie is over." Brian smiled. "no creeper is going to come to your window Amari, not while I am here." I smiled. 

"Why thank you but you don't seem like the fighting type." Brian rolled his eyes playfully. "Oh gee I'm not the ladies man nor am I the fighting type...tell you what lady you tell me what type I am." I was quiet. Staring into his blue eyes. I couldn't help but stare. "you are a sweet caring...funny MY type of guy." Brian looked out to the yard then back at me. "your type? really?" I nodded. "yes...now I'd better go back in the house...I promise the girls I'd tell them how you were." Brian nodded. "you'd tell them everything?" I nodded. "yea that is what best friends do. we tell everything." 

I took out my hand to bid Brian goodnight. He shook it and pulled me closer to him and kissed me. I was at lost for words. He looked at me when we were done. "are you going to tell?" Brian asked. I shook my head. "I don't kiss and tell." I smiled and kissed Brian one last time before going inside. 

I came out of my memory and looked at Brian. "it was the first night we kissed." I said. Brian shook his head. "yea...did you ever tell your friends?" I shook my head. "not right away...crystal knew because I stared at your picture all night." Brian managed to laugh but it turned into a cough. "you couldn't keep it sacred?" I shook my head. "no way...look Brian I know we we're sitting here remembering stuff...but-" Brian cut me off. "I will be ok...just pray a lot...and don't lose faith in me and be strong-" I cut him off. "Brian I would never you know that..." I saw the tears fall from his eyes. 

"When we get outta here...we will go on that vacation you always wanted to go on..." Brian took a breath as he spoke. I held my tears. "You will be fine...I promise. we will get outta here and you will be fine..." I held onto Brian's hand again and tried to find some words to comfort him. I didn't have any at all and he didn't seem to have any either. We just sat in silence as the monitors drowned out the reality and brought me to another memory.


	4. Stick to the basics

"how much of this can we take?!" I shouted as I flopped on the bed. Brian sat on the bed. "what do you mean? It's normal Kevin you know that..." I sighed. "he isn't what I am worried about...it's nick. If he finds out I went behind his back to date his best friend he'd freak." Brian shrugged. "so?" I sat up. "um so?? Naudia is the only one that knows me and you are dating and I have a feeling she is going to tell because her and nick are dating now." 

Brian laughed. "If Nick hasn't found out that you and I have been dating for 5 years he's crazy." I sighed again. "I just don't want any turmoil between you and Nick...and me and Nick. He's like a bigger brother I never had...by a few months but still it's hard to do what I am supposed to if he doesn't approve." Brian nodded. "just like me and Kevin." I nodded. "see so it does mean something to you...so until then, we have to tell Nicky we are seeing each other."

Brian wrapped me in his arms. "I think nick will be fine with what we have. We both make each other happy. He'll understand." I woke up to a beeping sound. It was high pitched. It broke into my thoughts. I opened my eyes to see red lights. I looked to the side of me to see that Brian's body was moving up and down like he was choking or something. I hopped off the couch and ran to him. "Bri? C’mon honey say something, what is it?!" I looked around me to see the lights going off but no one was coming. I pressed the nurse button multiple times before someone finally came in. 

"stand back ma’am, we have to see what’s the problem." I stepped back a bit. I noticed AJ walking in like he was about to visit but stepped back. I caught him. "Amari what is going on!?" the both of us stood near the door out of the way. "we have to prep him for surgery...we have a transplant." I couldn't believe my ears. Brian was going to be okay. The nurses and the doctors took Brian out the room and into the surgery room." I felt my heart slow up a bit all the excitement kind of scared me but I was calming down now. 

While they prepped Brian for surgery, I waited with AJ in the lobby along with Naudia. She here with Kile again. I looked at the clock and noticed it was lunch time for the patients. "I'll be back." I got up and went to visit nick. He was sitting up this time instead of laying down. "So stranger, how's the sight here?" Nick shrugged. "Good, I guess. how was your day so far?" I shrugged. "well...if you count Brian having a stroke...and having a heart transplant and even suffering an aneri-" Nick cut me off. "what?! are you serious? today? oh my go-" I cut him off. "Nicky Nicky, its ok…he's fine...he got a match today...he'll live he's fine."

Nick sighed in frustration. "why didn't you tell me? why didn't Naudia tell me??" I shrugged. " I didn't want you to worry…and I am sure Naudie didn't want you to either." Nick rubbed his eye. "Amari, you don't understand...he's worse off than I am." I stared at nick. "how could you say that!?" He knew how much I fretted over Brian's health. "Because, he's always been like this...and I have to worry about him, he's my best friend...and you know that."

I sighed at the many times we had this conversation. "yes Nicky I know that...but you gotta remember he is my husband and I have to deal with this..." Nick coughed. "true." I remembered when we had this conversation for the first time. "Nick can I talk to you." Nick had just picked up Naudia for a date and he had stopped by to get his phone charger that was at my house. "Naudia this is my best friend Amari." I couldn't help but think of what was going through her mind. Every girl has an issue with their guys with girl as friends. But he and Naudia weren't even dating so I didn't care what she thought of me. 

"Hey." I said holding out my hand to greet her. She didn't seem to fond meeting me. I didn't have time to deal with her gestures. "nick I have to talk to you. It's kinda important." He looked at Naudia and asked her that he was going to talk to me. She just nodded. Nick and I went into the kitchen. "what is it?" He asked. I looked at the telephone on the hook. "Um...how is rehearsal going??" I asked trying to be friendly. 

He nodded in thought. "it went alright...how was your night last night?" I had a little get together with the girls in the group. Supposedly. I lied to nick and told him I was going out with the girls but I went with Brian instead. "yea it was...good. I guess. That is what I wanted to talk to you about...last night." Nick nodded. "yea...and?"

"And? well I went with Brian afterwards...ya know how it gets. Hectic with the same sex...so you gotta spend it with the opposite..." I stopped. "Amari what the hell are you talking about??" Nick leaned against the table. "I went out with Brian last night...as in a date." Nick stared. "really how was it for the first time?" I shook my head. "try 5 years times..." Nick's eyes widened. "what?! Amari why am I just now hearing this?!" 

I nodded. "yea...we've been dating for 5 years...without you knowing." Nick sighed. "well…I thought you would it have figured that we were dating. We didn't tell anyone yet..." The memory passed by when AJ nudged me. "Amari, the doctor said he's about to start Brian's surgery. you want to talk to him?" I got up and walked into the prep room where Brian was. 

He was laying down with no wires hooked up to him. I walked up to him and stared down. "Hey kiddo, looks like you get a new heart after all. Told you that you'd be alright...how you feel?" Brian didn't speak. He just waved his hand at me slightly and I grabbed it. His eyes were wandering. "you will be fine baby i promise...I will be here when you get out..." I kept my tears locked away in hopes he'd be back safe. the doctor rolled him out and down the hall. AJ met up with me. "he'll be fine Ama." he said with a hand on my shoulder.

**********


	5. Chapter 5

3 hours. Why did it have to take 3 hours? Brian's family flew in after hearing the news. Kevin finally made it. I could hear the accusations now. "how could this happen?" "what went wrong?" "what did you do?" I some how get blame for a whole set of shit that goes on either with Nick or with Brian. I think it's because I am always around. I remember the time Nicky got pulled over for his little DUI incident after the club. I was there. I was actually in the car with him. This was the same night of my engagement party.

(2003)  
"nicky cmon pull over!!" I shouted as he was looking out the window. "No way Amari, have you seen the TV show cops before?! If I pull over it all goes downhill." I wanted to grip the steering wheel. "Nick I am not going to jail because of you...pull this damn car over now! you are insane. are you drunk or what?!" Once we pulled over the cop came up to us. "Do you know how fast you were driving son?" I sighed. I knew this was a mix of disaster. "Depends on how long you were following me...I know I am in trouble..so if you could just give me...a ticket...I will be on my way..."

I held my breath. Maybe that was all the cop needed to hear. "Can I see your license and registration please?" the light was shining really bright inside the car. As if the cop coudn't see us at all. He flashed it in my face on accident. "hey!" I shouted. "Sorry ma'ame." Nick searched for his ID longer then he should have. "It's in your back pocket Nick.." I said hanging my head low. Nick was having difficulties getting it out of his back pocket. "um..can I...get out to get it??" No no no..stupid...

The cop stepped aside and let nick get out. He opened the car door and staggered out the car. "Nick.." I said under my breath. Nick had the bottle of beer in his front seat still. there was no way we were getting outta this. "Stand up straight son...you been drinking??" Nick shook his head. "no sir...I just...my friend in the car. Ya know the pretty lady...she's just announced her engagement to Brian...my best friend...we are in the backstreet boys." I slapped myself in the face. "No...." 

I looked away as Nick was being questioned. "your eyes are a bit big son...I am going to have to take you in." just like that?? I was scared outta my mind. Nick held up his hands as if he was already in cuffs. "ok ok...but let the girl go...I don't want to hear my best friend's mouth that his wife got a DUI too." Stupid ass its only a DUI if I was driving. The cop cuffed nick and took him to the car. "you better follow me to get his belongings outta his pockets." I sighed and scooted over to the driver seat and began to drive off to the station where Nick would be held for over night

My thoughts were interrupted by my cell phone. It was Aaron calling me. "hey Firecracker.” I said as cool as I could. Aaron sighed. "Hey Amari you got the status on nicky right? Naudia called me and told me he's doing the surgery." I nodded. "Finally..of course he didn't do it because of me he did it because naudia told him to." Aaron was quiet. "you know you and nick got way back farther then anyone I know of, he was thinking of you." I rolled my eyes. "Sure he was...Aaron I don't get what people are seeing in our friendship. I take care of him better then anyone besides your mother." Aaron laughed. "what about Naudia?" I shrugged. "she has a different relationship with nick and that is fine. I'm just saying I treat him better then I treat anyone else besides Brian and he does this to me. I know he got the guilt trip about his unborn child..."

Aaron sighed. "yea but you gotta see it her way." I sat down where I was. "yea and I do see it her way, but nick isn't going to die. It's not the surgery that kills them its the cancer that spreads. his is only spreading through his prostate...that needs to be taken out." Aaron managed to sneak a laugh. "Amariana. You are a crazy girl..." wow that was the first time someone called me Amariana in my life...almost 20 years. "Aaron don't mention this to anyone ok? you promise your big sister?" I could see him nodding even though we were on the phone. "yes big sister Ama...I promise...I won't tell...not even BJ." I nodded. "great...now...you coming back up here soon??" "yes I am soon, gotta see about Brian too. AJ told me about him. he alright??" "yes he is great…he is still in surgery, he may be in recovery now." 

"great great...well I will see ya later then." I told him goodbye and went back to where the rest of the people were. Kevin walked up to me. I hadn't seen him in forever. "Hey Kev." I hugged him. "you doing ok??" I nodded a bit. "yea I am doing ok...for now. How is everyone doing??" Kevin wiped his face. I could see he was aging some. This wasn't a just now notice but I have always known it. the first time I really noticed it was at my wedding. The day before my wedding, where we had rehearsal dinner. 

"I want to say a few words before I forget them." Everyone laughed. "c’mon kev its a rehearsal you will know what you are saying once you say it again." AJ blurted while sipping some water. Kevin raised an eyebrow and kept on. "I have known Amariana for a long time...since she was 17 years old..." I sighed. again with the full name base huh. "KEVY please don't call me my full name...it's Amari." Nick shook his head. "no no your name IS Amariana." I shook my head. "No Nicolas, my GOVERNMENT name is Amariana.my name is Amari...just like yours is Nick and AJ's is AJ instead of Alexander."

Me and Nick could argue for hours about our names. Naudia was near by. "Nick aren't you best man, what are you going to say?" Kevin was still on the side trying to remember. "Gee..was it 16?? damn, Amari how old were you when I met you??" I sighed. "Kevin, I was 12 when I met Nick...one year later, nick left...and we met back up in 1997...I was 17 and then I met the rest of you guys." Everyone laughed at Kevin's facial expression. "So...17..I was a year off...why in the hell didn't you just tell me that??" I shrugged. "I like to make you think Train." 

"anyway...I have known AMARI since she was 17 years old...she is like a little sister to me and she is my right hand man...woman...wait…can I say right hand man..." Everyone sighed. "Kev you should have written this weeks ago when I asked you to be grooms men." Brian said hanging his head. I laughed. "You having issues?? since when does Kevin Richardson have trouble speaking??" 

And outta nowhere nick had his little childish laugh that broke the silence and the friction between Kevin and the group. Kevin smacked his paper in his lap. "alright alright, I give up…ya know what…my speech will be from the bottom of my heart." I had the funniest image in my mind. I stood up from where I was. I cleared my throat. "Um...hello…my name is...Kevin...I am Brian Littrell's cousin...his dad and my mom are brother and sister...that makes me and Brian first cousins...I have known Brian all my life and we've been in the backstreet boys for over 10 years..." I spoke extremely slow like Kevin would. Kevin just stared. I had nick AJ and Brian on the floor. Howie just shook his head. 

"wow Amari...you have really outdone yourself." I smiled. Kevin shook his head. "after all we've been through Amari...you do this to me..." He was trying to hold in a laugh. I knew he thought it was funny. when he laughed and smiled it made me happy. the flashback was broken when Kevin coughed. "um...Amari? you alright? I asked you how’s everyone?" I shrugged. "AJ is fine...Howie is ok...Nick is fine now. He is going through with his surgery..." Kevin nodded. "great." The nurse that prepped Brian for surgery was coming back to us. "Excuse, you all the family?" 

Everyone crowded her. I think she just wanted to talk to talk to immediate family but I knew that if she asked, everyone would still be still. "the surgery was a success...Mr. Littrell is resting and the heart is working fine." i let out a sigh of relief. "when can we see him?? The nurse pointed. "you can see him now if you'd like...few at a time..." she left and I offered to let his parents go first but they insisted that I go with them along with Kevin. I followed behind Kevin as he walked behind Brian's mom and dad. This was like seeing him for the first time...would he still be the same after having someone else's heart? 

As we walked in the monitors weren't going off like they were before. I was about to walk up but I got sick all of the sudden. I felt like the room was spinning. Kevin looked at me. "Amari? Hon you alright?" I had the quick urge to throw up. I shook my head fast and I covered my mouth and went into the nearest bathroom. I hoovered over the toilet that smelled like pine sol and let the stuff go. I felt ridiculous and sick. My head started to hurt, and I kept my eyes closed. I heard a knock on the door.

 

"Amariana? Honey you alright? do you need help??" I couldn't answer. I kept to the toilet and hopes of no more sickness. "I need a doctor..." I said up against the wall. The door opened and Brian's mom popped in. she had the biggest smile on her face. "here let me get you cleaned up." she handed me a warm rag and I cleaned my face. She rinsed it off and handed it back to me. "you ok? did you eat something bad?" I shook my head. "nothing...I've had AJs burgers but you know how those are.." everyone knew that AJ's food was cooked down to the T...never over cooked and never over done.

Mrs. Littrell helped me up and took me out the bathroom. I had to see someone fast. "tell Brian I will see him in a bit." Mrs. Littrell had me see a female doctor because she said I could be pregnant or that I had the swine. "oh no...not that...again." Mrs. Littrell shrugged. "I am saying…so we are in the right place." We waited on the OBGYN to come into the room. I was still feeling sick. I couldn't be pregnant...it wasn't even the morning, so morning sickness didn't even count. 

"how are you today?" she asked once she reached the door. I nodded. "sick…all of the sudden...I don't have all day really…my husband just got outta the surgery for his heart...can you make this quick?" the lady nodded. "sure...well how long you been feeling sick??" I crossed my arms. "today. just 5 minutes ago." She wrote down something on the paper. "I am going to ask you some questions and you answer to the best of your ability."

I nodded. "do you smoke?" "no." "do you drink? occasionally or heavily?" "neither." "Are your periods regularly every month? 28 days per say?" "yes." "when was your last cycle?" I sighed. "3 weeks ago.." "are you sexually active?" I sighed again. I was married...I better be sexually active. I looked at Mrs. Littrell and shrugged. "depends...like...how much you talking?" the lady sat the pen down. "are you doing it more than once a week? twice a week? once a month?" I shrugged. "whenever...but we aren't…active like...all the time..." I had no idea on how to answer this question. Especially in front of my mother in law. 

"do you use protection?" she asked again after. I nodded then shook my head. "no?" the lady responded. "well we have...we have tried it without protection once but that was...4 years ago..." the lady wrote on the paper again. "are you and Mr. Littrell trying to have a baby?" I shook my head. "not that I knew of…I mean we talked about it…but it never came up...not since Nicky. Mr. Carter got sick again...we kinda haven't had time." she nodded. "I want to prescribe you some medicine for your nausea that way you will know if it’s because of you being pregnant or other things. I will need to draw some blood to run some tests." 

OH HELL NO. I didn't do so well with needles. "welll...right now?? can it wait until I see Brian??" The lady looked at the clock. "alright." I got up off the table and ran outta the room fast. Heading to the room Brian was in. I bumped into AJ. "whoa..um..Amari where are you goin?" I tried to catch my breath. "nowhere…um...did you see Brian yet?" He nodded. "yea..he isn't awake though." that was a relief. I mean not that he wasn't awake but that he didn't open his eyes and know I wasn't there yet.


	6. Time to wake up

I walked in the room where Brian was and Kevin was still in there. Just talking away. "gee Kev you think you'd talk Brian into oblivion or something." Kevin smiled. "no no not at all...I was just thinking about your wedding..it was the longest wedding that I had ever attended..." I started to laugh. "well that was because Nicks' outburst...and nicky wanted to do it all over again..the right way..."

"if anyone should think that these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace." I stared into Brian's eyes and smiled. He smiled back. I heard gasps in the crowd and turned my attention to the groomsmen. It was nick. Holding up his hand. "I object." I felt my heart sink. "NICK!?" Nick came up to us in a slow pace. "I'm sorry Amari, honey I can't do this..." I looked at Brian in shock still holding his hands. "But...Nick..why didn't you tell me this before?" Nick shook his head. "Amari you are my best friend...and..I can't see you with no one else..." I sighed. Nick tried to avoid tears. He wiped his face multiple times. 

I let go of Brian's hands and asked to be excused. I took nick out to the courtyard where we could talk in private. "NICK..why would you do this to me?!" My dress cascadded on the steps of the church. "I can't lose you to him.." he said sitting on the steps looking out. I walked up to him. "Nick, I love him. So much, he means the world to me and you know that..why would I be with someone who didn't make me happy?" Nick shrugged. "I duno...he isn't a bad guy..I just..if you get married...our friendship will be over." I sat down next to him. "we took a vow nick, to be best friends regardless...I would never break that vow..ever...today I am taking a vow to be with Brian for the rest of my life..and i would never break that ever either. Nicky he treats me so much better then the others and you know that. you should be happy for me."

Nick nodded viguoursly. "I am Amari I am...it's hard...we've always been best friends since we were 12 and I just want it to stay that way." I touched nick's cheek. "Nicky you will always be my best friend. All my life. I want to get married...today." Nick looked back at me. He looked really hurt. "nicky please...let me go ok? You are my best friend...let me go." Nick sighed. "alright..fine...but if I have to let you go to my best friend then I have to give you away." I stared at him. "what?? give me away? no nick I am not about to do all this again!" He shook his head. "just follow me..." He grabbed my hand and we walked in the church. Everyone was staring. My father, Mr. Littrell and Nick's father were the first to walk up.

"Nicolas what the hell are you doing?!" My dad said in a stern whisper. Not wanting everyone to hear. I felt like people were watching us. "dad stop you'll make a scene." My dad stared. "Amariana, Nick has already started that..this won't take away the attention...are you two dating or something? why would you say yes to that boy if you didn-" I held up a hand. "DAD stop! Look...nick is just being a bigger brother..you know that..I am still going to get married to Brian..." I looked at nick. "right." He nodded. 

"right...so...can we start this over??" My dad held up a hand. "I didn't sign up for this to happen twice Amariana Joanne." GOD enough with the names! I nodded."please dad! just do this for me..." My dad was quiet. "Alrighty..." I sighed and smiled. "thanks dad." 

Once again we started over. The music started and instead of my father walking me down the path, Nick did instead. I held onto his arm tightly as I walked down the path for the 2nd time. the music started and I began to get the butterflies once again.

Kevin and I were in complete silence and it was making me feel very awkward. "So...how is the family??" I asked. He responded slowly. "great...yours?" I shrugged. "awesome...well sorta...my sister just had her 2 baby, its a boy." Kevin looked at me. "Your little cousin? the 15 year old??" I shook my head. "no kevin, the 30 year old..." kevin nodded. "Oh...how did that go?" I laughed only to myself. "geez kev is there something on your mind you ar trying to avoid talking about?" We've had talks like this before. it was hard to get him to talk. "maybe" he said quietly. He just kept staring down at brian asleep. 

"kev...what is it?" I said in a stern whisper. Kevin sighed. "How could this happen..he's always had a healthy life..even after the first surgery..it was all alright..." I hated when he spoke like this. "kev, Brian is strong and he will be alright. You know that." Kevin's voice began to break. "I don't know Amari...I don't think he-" I looked at him and pointed. "you better not say that...don't kev..ok he will be ok..how do you think he'd feel with you doubting him??" 

Kevin was quiet again. "I am afraid...for him what if this is the big one..where it messes him up for a while...what will he do? he won't be able to sing again..be himself...it'll tear us all apart." I started to feel sick agian. and this time I bent over to make the room stop spinning. "Amari? are you ok?" I went to my knees suddenly. Kevin grabbed my hands. "Amari??" He said in loud whisper. I couldn't bare to stand up again. "kev, get me to the bathroom...fast." Kevin seemed confused for a moment but then did as I asked and took me to the bathroom. My stomach was in knots and I didn't know why.

I hunched over the sink and once again, I puked. this was the worse day of my life. Well it added on to it. I cleaned myself up and laid on the cool floor. I was burning up like crazy. I felt like taking off a shirt. "Ama? are you alright?" I nodded. "I will be...is he awake?" I asked kevin. He shook his head. "no he's not...are you...are you pregnant??" I shook my head. "no I am not...I'm fine..." Kevin didn't seem to buy it. "Amariana, I've known you since you were 16-" I cut him off. "I'm NOT pregnant Kev...and its 17." Kevin sighed. "yea...ok well you seem pale...and your eyes are gray." I looked at Kevin. "Kev, I can't be pregnant..not now..I have too much on my plate right now..."

 

Kevin sat next to me on the floor. "Amari..if you are it is ok ya know. It would be the best thing in Brian's life..to have a baby..with you..but would be ready?" I shook my head. "I'm not ready to be a mother kev...I can barely take care of people around me...look at nicky...he's a cancer victim and brian has a new translplant heart...along with a chance of an anurism...I can't take care of them..let alone a baby..."

"you know you are never alone in this world Amariana...." that statement took me back to honeymoon night. After the normal honeymooners night, Brian and I lay in bed staring at the stars. "I am so happy I have you..." I said in a whisper. I laid on my side with the edge of blankets wrapped around my waist up to my chest. Brian laid behind me with his arms wrapped around me. "And I am blessed to have known you..I love you..." he kissed my cheek and I continued to stare out of the window. It started to rain against the window a bit. I laid on my back to stare up at the ceiling that glowed in the dark. It was something that caught my attention.

"What's next?" I asked taking a breath. Brian placed a hand on what skin I showed from my side. My love handles were visible. I had no clue why he liked to touch them. "what do you mean?" I grabbed Brian's hands and caressed his ring. "you have always wanted a woman to be with you for who you are..and to love you for what you do...you chose me...and I love you for that...what's next? anything that you have in your life...anything that you have to take on...I want to be here..with you the entire time." Brian gave me a side grin and kissed my lips. 

"I love you Amariana Colette...I mean Mrs. Littrell..you are the woman of my dreams...remember one thing..you are never in this alone in this world...." I smiled. "I will always remember that." My memory was stopped by a faint voice. "Amari??" my body became fully alert when I heard that. I quickly got up off the ground and went into the room to see Brian's hands moving. I went up to the bed. "hey honey how do you feel??" Brian sighed and looked around. "I feel ok...how do you feel? how is nicky?" I shook my head. "he is fine...just fine...how's your um...your..." Brian cut me off. "baby my heart is fine...I am fine...ok? I am here.." I was so relieved to hear that.

"Brian..how would you feel if..." I stopped. Kevin came in. "hey Amari did you tell Brian that you were preg-" He stopped when he saw my face. I was pleading him to not say nothing. It was too late. "what?? you're pregnant??" I began to stutter. "I...I don't know yet...your mama thinks I am..and Kev thinks I am but I say I am not.' Brian tried to sit up. "wow..that is good news to hear when I wake up from a new heart...now I get a new baby?" I shook my head. "no Brian..I am not pregnant..yet...just..don't blow it outta porportion yet ok?" He nodded with a grin. "ok ok...I wont...yet." This day couldn't be anymore stressful. I couldn't wait to get Brian home...hopefully in the next 3 days or so.

***4 days later***

Nick was better after his surgery and he was going to be released tomorrow. However, Brian was able to come home today. I had to read up on the procedures on how to clean up his incision and things. It kinda grossed me out a bit. "Brian you HAVE to lay back so I can clean this." Brian was sitting up and sitting back because the antibiotics stung a bit. "AmARI PLEASE! Stop I quit I QUIT!" I started to laugh. "BRI, please...sit...back...ok?" Brian sighed once more and sat back. "I am warning you..this isn't a good feeling. who KNEW I would be reliving this again." I rolled my eyes. 'YOU are going to live...ok...now 1..2...3..." I palced the guaze on top of Brian's incision and he let out a yell. "OW OW OW OW OWY OWY...ok ok, I give...I won't..oh gosh..." I hadn't even done anything.

"Brian...it's over...it's off..let the air get to it before I bandage it up." He sighed and let his head hit the pillow all the way. "That ...was...helll." I laughed. "I have to do this everday...3 times a day. It won't hurt as much tomorrow. I promise." Brian sat up. "what's for dinner?" He asked looking around. I shrugged. "I figured we could go rob a grocery store...we've been in the hospital for a week...we haven't had time to grocery shop." Brian was looking around for his wallet I supposed. "could you go to the store? I'm starvin." And why wouldn't he be? the hospital kept him on a diet for heart patients. he looked a bit thin but not too much. just like he did when he was in his early 20s.


	7. The Big Secret

I was on my way to the store when AJ stopped me from pulling out the drive. "hey Amari, where is the mister?" I pointed to the house. "he is inside, he is sleeping. I am going to the store to get food for dinner. you wanna tag along?" He nodded and parked his car in front and switched cars. "How is he?" AJ asked. I nodded only to myself. "he is fine AJ, how is Nicky?" AJ nodded only for me to not see the half nod. "what is it??" He was hesitant to answer. "you put a lot of effort into supporting Nicky Amariana." Oh God not THIS AGAIN. I sighed. "Alex..how many times do I have to tell you, Brian, Kevin, Naudia and whoever the fuck else...me and nick are best friends. You don't know half the stuff me and Nick have been through!" 

AJ nodded and pointed. "yes I am sure I don't, but do Brian and Naudia?? Cmon Amari, I know how much love you have for your friends, believe me honey it is so good that you share your heart with anyone and everyone...but...lately...you have been kinda dodging Brian..and I am saying this as a brother to you...' I sighed. "Alex, I am never going to leave Brian..ever. Do you get that?? Does anyone?" AJ shrugged. "I don't know... I mean he may..but you know Brian. He'll hid it until it takes control over him and he's not the jealous type. There haven't been times you have chosen Nicky over Brian?" I shook my head. 

 

"Never and if so, it was because me and Brian weren't together...you all don't understand...and I can see you never will. I am hurting right now because I know it is killing Brian to see me care for someone else...and it is hurting Nicky because I have to be with Brian..Nick is very protective...I might as well be an adopted sister to him..because that is the type of relationship we have...his entire family knows that. For god sakes I babysat the twins..." AJ was lost. "Twins?" 

I sighed. "Aaron and Angel...Alex pay attention please." AJ let out a laugh. "Sorry...but yea you should talk to them both..Naudia is kinda...not upset but thinking you two share a different relationship." I stared out into the street. "She will always...she has had that from day one...and i don't think too much on it. I am happy she is with nick. I don't see the problem with her. so her little fits don't phase me..." 

I mean cmon, what do they expect from two people who have been best friends almost all their lives? Nick and I are growing up together and I will be damned if people tear us apart. "AJ there is one thing you should know...Brian may say he is ok with us being friends..but if it wasn't for nick...I wouldn't have Brian. so within that...he has to thank nick." AJ was quiet again. "Amari, I get that but don't you think you should loosen that up a bit? you and nick are sort of afraid to let go...neither of you have kids...both of you see each other every day...and you two are the last to say the last words to each other..."

I could tell this was the time to tell AJ why me and Nick clicked the way we did. And I was regretting doing so but I had to..so he could see where I was coming from. "Alex, do you find it weird that one person can change your entire life..with just one action...one word...or even maybe even a kiss?" AJ was staring out the window. "Not really..why? what happened?" I sulked in my chair. "Nicky and I have been around each other and we didn't really need anyone else...we were sheltered for years as kids to do what we were suppose to...and we rebelled against that." 

AJ stared at me. "Did you two lose your virginity to each other?" I shrugged a bit. "Like I said, we've been through so much...I didn't lose my virginity to him..he lost it so he could prove something to me...we were 15, at a lock-in at the skating rink..."

"Cmon Nicky what is with the smile?!" I asked as I put on my left skate. Nick looked out into the rink and started to search for somebody. "we got 8 hours in this place...you up for it?" I put on my right skate and tied my shoe. "what are you talking about? dude, let's skate before the little ones get here." Nick reached for my hand and we skated a while. I didn't know what he was talking about nor what he was looking for. I followed nick the whole time around the rink for about a good 45 minutes before asking what the deal was. 

"Alright Carter what is it?" I pulled his arm to stop him to the wall. "Amari, you can keep a secret...we're buddies right??" I nodded. "yea..I can keep a secret...you gonna tell me where you been for a few days?? you are always gone with these dudes and its like I can't get a hold of you." Nick shook his head. "that? no not that at all...look..I've been thinking...about sex." I grimaced. "about sex? nicolas gene! what has gotten into you?!" Nick shook his head. "no not like that..but..you know how people tell you to wait..until you are ready..and do it with someone you care about?" 

I nodded. "yea and?" Nick nodded. "Right..well...we don't date but I was thinking about...sharing the moment with you." I stared. "Nicky you already lost it remember. it's not something you get back." Nick looked down at the ground. what was he getting at?? "nick..what are you trying to ask me?" He sighed. "I don't even know...I mean how do you ask someone to...to...have sex with you?" 

I snickered. "nick ok ok...now this is hilarious!" Nick shrugged. "I wanted to ask you..but...I don't know how. I mean I have already done it...and well I figured you would have already... have you?" I shrugged. "I mean, maybe I have." Nick crossed his arms. "really...what's an orgasm?" I laughed. "nick it's a sensation in the female and male body that is reached when the "spot" is hit...need I say more??"

nick looked speechless. "um..." his mouth was kinda hanging. "Nicky, I have 2 sisters remember....it's possible to pick it up." After this conversation, I guess we decided to do it. but it was more then a "do it and get it over with" gesture...we did it because at that time we felt for one another. My memory left me to the sound of AJ laughing. "you lost your virginity to nick!? but you just said you didn't!" I nodded. "correct...I did didn't I...but...AJ, we were young..and he loved me at that time ok? It's something we shared and we never went back to..ever. I mean hell if we did end up together we would be great but we didn't because he left.

"so..you would be with him...if he hadn't left??" I shrugged. "maybe...but I am not...so there. I am not worried about what you or anyone else says about us. I am in love with Brian and we are together. Nick is my best friend..that is all." It was quiet. "are we going to the store now??" I started the car but didn't move because of the phone. I looked at it and noticed it was nick calling. I didn't answer. AJ stared. "aren't you gonna get that?" I shook my head. "no.." I began pulling out the drive way. Next thing AJs phone goes off. AJ looks at it. "OH speaking of yours truely...heya CARTER what's up?! Oh yea...well...I am with he-" I looked at him. AJ sighed. "she is kinda busy I can tel her to call you? alright. Bye." AJ hung up his phone. "geez, you two are so great together huh." 

I didn't answer right away. "AJ, let it go. I am not talking to him the day he gets outta the hospital I am sure Naudia wants his attention." AJ nodded. "seems like it...what's for dinner?" I drove all the way down the street. "you staying over?" He nodded. "hell yea...so what is for dinner?" He asked again. "Tuna casserole." AJ looked out the window. "Eh?? what the hell is that?" I sighed and continued driving. "tuna, noodles, cheese...a casserole AJ damn." 

Once at the store, I had AJ get some extra stuff while I got the actual stuff. AJ came running to me showing me with the girls a magazine with me on the side. the title of it was, Backstreet Dancer sets off. "what the hell does this mean???" AJ flipped through the book in search. I picked up the two bags of noodles and the tuna in the same isle. "it says here...that Amariana Colette-Littrell will be dancing in the this is us tour shows starting October 30th, alongside husband Brian Littrell and lover Nick carter." I froze when I heard that and snatched the book from AJ. "SHIT?!" AJ laughed. "Gotcha." I glared at AJ sheepishly. "damn you..." 

took me 30 minutes to get this stuff and to the counter. A girl was checking AJ out deep. I stared at her. She never once told me my total nor did she ask me paper or plastic. "Um...excuse me...miss..hi..yea..I am kinda in a hurry...so could you like...do your job?" AJ stared at her as well. the girl went back to work. I nudged AJ. "She's 17...don't even..." AJ rolled his eyes as if he didn't believe me. The girl looked back at me. "Alright that'll be 20 dollars even." She smiled and her braces glared at me. AJ quickly looked down and started to walk off. I smiled at her. "thank you dear."

Back at the house, Brian was in the kitchen trying to get the mixing bowl for brownies. but it was too high up and he didn't want to stretch his stitches. When we walked into the house we could hear, "hello?? I'm stuck on the counter and I can't get down...somebody please come in and saaave me...please...in god's name..." I started to laugh to myself. So did AJ. "Brian why are you on top of the counter?!" AJ shouted. Brian was just sitting on the counter as if he was chilling.

I sat the bags on the counter. "Honey...please tell me that you were up here just to...NOT get stuck?" Brian stared. "If I was up to get stuck I woulda got down by now BABE..help me down." I rolled my eyes. "Brian you won't tear your stitches hon they have been in for a while..you can get off the counter." brian sighed and got off the counter. "so how was shopping for food? what is for dinner??" 

I swear that was the biggest question of the house. "It was..like any other trip." Brian nodded and searched in the bags. "nick called." He said plainly. I looked at him. "really? what he say?" Brian shrugged. "Didn't you pick up your phone??" I shook my head. "no.." AJ was quiet the entire time. "Oh well..you can call him back, it sounded important. Hey J, you should come check out the new speakers that came today." AJ was in the cookie jar when he was caught. "But..you...I was getting a cookie...damn fine." He took out 4 cookies and walked passed me. "I am eating these." I shook my head. "Fine AJ, eat them."


	8. What Am I

During dinner, AJ kept staring at me as I stared at my plate. Ever so often I would catch him looking at me and he would raise both eyebrows at me. "what is up with you?" Brian asked. I shrugged. "I think AJ has a small issue.." AJ sat back. "Brian...do you have any friends back home?" Brian looked at AJ. "um...yes how can you ask that?" AJ shrugged. "any of them girls??" Brian looked at me then back at AJ. "yea some of them girls. From high school so?" AJ leaned into the table. "you sleep with one of them?" I felt a lump in my throat.

Brian cleared his throat. "AJ not in front of my wife alright.." AJ sat back. "Amariana..tell him." I looked at AJ. "what? are you fucking serious right now?" AJ nodded. "amari I would hate to see this relationship fall cause of...whatever..tell him.." I sighed. "there is nothing to tell..." 

Brian looked uneasy. "um...is there something I should know about AJ?" He tried to sneak a laugh. My phone was ringing again and I knew it was nick. Our damn recorded voices were my ringtone. "amari collette and nick carter coming to ya live from NYC BABY! yo...AC pick up the phone, it's ya boy!" 

I sighed and got up and went to my phone. I took it into the living room to answer it. I knew it was nick so I answered it. "what carter?" I said being cautious of my tone. "what? she knows? knows what? so..that was hell..years ago...I'm sorry to hear that I honestly don't know what you want me to do...what can you do? there isn't nothing you can do...right...I can't right now I am eating dinner. I will talk to you about this later.' I hung up the phone. I went back into the kitchen. "Amari who was that?" 

"it was Nick...Naudia left and won't answer her phone calls from him." Brian stared. "what's with her?" I shrugged. I knew what it was. She found that stupid letter my sister wrote to nick, exposing what we did. I knew I couldn't get it back from him the day my sister mailed it off. Honestly..why would I write a letter to my best friend the day he is getting married and have him recieve it at his new home days later?? that is so dumb. If anything I wouldn't write a private letter, I would have spoken to him on my own. I have nothing against this girl and she won't ever get it through her head. 

I sat at the table quietly. "Brian there is something I have to tell you...AJ leave." AJ was taking a bite of food. "huh?" I looked at him. "GET out." I said sternly. AJ got up and picked up his plate as well and went into the living room. the kitchen doors shut and I looked at Brian. "what is the matter?" This wasn't anything I could keep from him but I knew he wouldn't get mad, it was the past. But why was I so afraid?

I adjusted my seat to face him. "I want to ask you some questions...but I want to you to be honest with me even if it hurts me...ok?" Brian nodded. "ok..." I took a deep breath. "are you jealous of nick?" Brian looked at the table then back at me. "what is this about?" "Answer the quesiton Brian." "Yes." "why?" I had to know. "Amariana you are my wife, I love you to death and I would die for you...I would give up all of what I have just to be with you only...and you are nick's best friend I get that honey I do but..what am I?" I felt heart broken. "Brian you are my best friend...I love you, I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't...I am not here because of nick. I am here because of you." 

Brian was quiet again. "I know about you two...sleeping together at 15...your sister told me." I sighed. I hated to hear that. "I don't hate you or him for it...this was before me. I have done some things before you as well...but I don-" I cut him off. "that is not the only reason why we are best friends Brian...there is something else." Brian sighed. "did you get pregnant? have his baby? what is it Amari?" I shook my head. 

"he saved my life Brian...I owe him every piece of happiness that I get because if he hadn't I wouldn't have it." Brian got up outta his chair and began to leave. I got up and pulled his arm slightly. "no listen to me...please." He turned to me with tears in his eyes. "were you lying to me? the very first time I took you out huh? tell me, Amariana please don't make me feel like a jackass for asking you out and having these feelings for you...those were-" I shook my head. "Brian no don't say that. I never lied to you at all...you know that right..." Brian sniffed in order to keep his composer.

It took me back to his swine flu day. I hated how he looked during that time. "Say something." I said. I still had his arms. Brian reached for my hands. "I love you...so much...and I would be with you regardless of what you have done...cause that is what marriage is about." Oh no, don't tell me he was wanting to leave me because of this...not this. My hands started to shake and I felt sick again.

"Don't leave me..what do I have to do to make you stay with me?" I said with my voice breaking, my tears weren't being kept away any longer. I saw the sympathetic look on his face but it was fogged up from the sight of my tears. Brian stroked my hand. "No baby I would never...I told you I loved you so much...and it kills me..it does..it hurts to know you have....been nick's friend for so long and you or him have never dated..."

I shook my head. "you are the only person I want to be with..I just don't want you to be mad at me...it hurts to see you are mad at me." Brian still stood in place. "I'm not...Nick knows I know abo ut it...I wanted you to tell me for yourself...I am not mad at him...nor-" that was all I heard before I felt this sense of heat sweep over me. I felt like I was on the plane or something. 

I didn't feel like throwing up this time, I just felt really sick. "I gotta..sit down.." I said. I tried to find somewhere to sit but I failed. Brian grabbed me. "Amari, hon, what's wrong?!" I couldn't speak at all. It was like I lost all my skills to speak and even to stand up. I fell to the floor holding my head and I knew this wasn't normal. I was sick earlier but not like this. "AJ!! GET THE CAR!" my sight got blurry and the light in the kitchen started to get dim. "hold on amari.baby hold on.." i tried to speak again. the only thing I said was, "I love you..don't tell nick."


	9. It all falls down

I woke up in the hospital. Damn, I thought I was going to be away from this place for good. I felt something in my nose but didn't bother it. the lights were off except a table light near my bed. I tried to look over to it and when I did, I saw someone sitting on the side. I cleared my throat. That caught someone's attention. I noticed it was Brian. 

I jumped when he came to the bed. I must have had tears on my face because he took a rag and wiped my face. "you've been sleep for 3 hours Amari...you had me scared to death..." what the hell was going on? I wanted to speak but I couldn't. A nurse walked in and she had a syringe in her hands. I shook my head. I wasn't in pain what the hell was she doing? "Mr. Littrell your wife needs to get some rest, her results will be back soon. you can come back later." 

I started to drift off into a memory. the one memory that I never wanted to remember or see again. "NO STOP IT!! I WON'T TELL I PROMISE!" I screamed as this 6 foot guy tried to get him off me. Everyone in the skating rink couldn't hear me scream. The guy held my mouth closed with his dirty hands. Nick was sleeping next to me. Not moving. My eyes watched him as this dude raped me quietly. I cried softly hoping to wake nick up.

"Don't move sugar you'll tear something.." I began to cough. He wasn't gentle at all. My stomach was hurting like hell. I saw Nick move a bit but never opened his eyes. 'please God, let nick open his eyes...and see this dude taking advantage of me..please god let me live.'

Nick moved again and this time opened his eyes. "Amari?!" Nick got up off the floor and the guy got up and ran. I layed on the floor not wanting to move. Nick came up to me and helped me in his lap. "Amariana please say something...please..." I couldn't breath. "why didn't you tell me...why would you sit there and let it happen..." The chaperones were coming over to us and asked if everything was ok.

I couldn't bare tell anyone this. Nick looked at me then at the people. "she's fine...she...needs to get to the hospital. Call my mother please." As the chaperones did that, nick tried to keep me awake. "Amari, hold on ok?" I nodded. "Don't tell my mama nicky...please..." Nick shook his head. "I promise...you secret is safe with me..."

My memory ended with the shut of the door. It was Nick walking in. Brian looked at him. "how is she?" He asked. Brian looked at me then back at Nick. "she's fine..you two need to talk?" Nick nodded. "yes if you don't mind ..." Nick's voice was quiet. Brian nooded. "no I don't frack...you know I don't." 

Brian left the room and shut the door. I could see his shadow in the glass sitting near the door. "Amari...what happened?" I couldn't speak. I just blinked. Nick came up to my bed and reached for my hand but I moved it away. "Don't do this Amari..please...don't...I didn't tell. I promised." 

I turned away. I felt tears fall from my eyes. I heard Nick sniff. "Amariana..." I turned to him. I managed to move my hands and nick came closer to me and held my hands. "I promised...you will be ok alright?" I wanted to speak why the hell couldn't I do so??

"I...I can't lose him...Nick I love him." I said. Nick nodded. "I know that...and he loves you too...If I-" He was cut off by the sound of the door. "Amari, your dad is here." Brian came in with my father. "honey what happend?" I sighed. "I'm fine...I feel sick..." next thing, the nurse walks in. Great more visitors. "Can I talk to Mr and Mrs. Littrell alone?" Nick and my father stepped to the side and left. 

"Mrs. Littrell are you aware of any illness in your family?" I shook my head. "no ma'ame...why what is wrong with me?" The nurse pointed to me. "you're 4 months pregnant hon...and you could suffer from sickel cell which could affect your birth." I held my breath. "what? wait a minute." Brian looked at me. "well well...you're going to have a baby...is it mine?" My mouth hung open. "Brian?!" Brian looked at the nurse. "ma'ame I need to know we are dealing with issues here..." 

the nurse nodded. "I know...mrs. littrell's inner tissue is severly torn, I am surprised she held onto her eggs." Brian looked at me. "why? why would they be torn?" the nurse looked at me. "she was raped at a young age, Mr. Littrell didn't you know?" I sighed and looked away. "no..I didn't. she forgot to tell me I guess."

The nurse stirred up too much stuff in the passed 5 minutes. "I will leave you two." and she left. I sat up. Not knowing what to say. "did you know?" Brian asked. "know what? that I was pregnant? no I didn't. if I did don't you think I would have told you" Brian shrugged. "I duno, you forgot to tell me you were raped so maybe so." I shook my head. "Brian that is nothin to go telling people...that was a secret I was going to take to my grave...that night was the worst night of my life..not only was I raped but nicky left the next day. do you know how I felt? He was the only person who knew that secret and I couldn't tell anyone because I was afraid..." 

Brian sat at the end of the bed. "Amari, I don't want you to feel you have to keep these things from me...please ...we are married, and I am here for you why didn't you tell me?" I couldn't answer. I had nothing to say. "how was I suppose to tell a guy that I had a crush on..that I shared a deep secret with his best friend...and how was I suppose to tell my husband that my innocence didn't even belong to him? Nick and I never slept together...ever. he talked about it but I felt I couldn't do that with my best friend..and I am guessing that man overheard and did what he did." 

"so this illness, you couldn't tell you were pregnant?" I shook my head. "obviously not Brian, I am 4 months...and I look the same...you don't think it's a still birth do you?" Brian didn't answer. "I don't know..I really don't. " Gosh I hated this. I hoped throughout all my teenage years that this illness would skip me...my mother has it and so does my aunt. and they turned out fine, but now that I have it it's a more chance that I could pass it to my own child as well.


	10. I have to go

Later that day I was able to leave. The doctor told me there was no need in me staying here, there was nothing wrong. Except the fact that I passed out when I got over exhausted and my heart rate would go up. It was also the count of the baby. The baby got worked up and had a spasm. The only thing that I could think of that would not kill me or the baby is if I didn't get too worked up..so I had to stay away from a lot of stressful situations. I wasn't to go anywhere much, and I had to be careful while driving. 

I was in my room staring at myself in the mirror. "I don't even LOOK" pregnant." I said to myself. I turned to the side to get a profile glance of myself. My stomach was a little pudgy but that was always. I had a pudgy belly anyway but I also had a 'four pack' indention in my stomach as well. So no one would guess I was pregnant.

There was a knock at my bedroom door. I was about to put on some other clothes to lounge in. "Come in." I grabbed my sweats out the closet when Brian appeared. "can we talk?" He asked. I sat the sweats down. "yea what is it.' He sat on the bed. "we um...I have been doing a lot of thinking..in the past 6 months..." He stopped and looked at me. I just stared back. "what?" I said again. "what is it?" Brian took a small breath. 

"we have a responsibility to uphold to each other...right?" I nodded. "yes we do." "and we have to be honest no matter what, even if the other person was to get upset...but the truth is what keeps people together." I nodded again. "but lying in the first place is what takes the truth away in the first place...is this about me and the rape? or that letter?" 

Brian shook his head. "neither...it's about me..sit down." I shook my head. "Brian what is it?" He reached for my hands but I pulled away. "No...what is IT?" Brian was very hesitant. "at the party...when we had a few drinks...and went home...I went out and...I was with Melanie-" I stopped him right where he was. "Mel...my coworker? my band mate...right?" He nodded. "Yea...she was very drunk and I had to take her home...you know that...and as I was waiting on her to leave...she kissed me...and"

I took in the most headaching breath ever. I felt dizzy afterwards. "what else?" Brian looked at me. "what? what do you mean what else? that was it...she kissed me..and I had to get her away from me...I am sorry I didn't tell you sooner but nothing happ-" I shook my head. "I don't believe you..you kept this from me for so long, 6 months Brian how could you lie to me?!" Brian shook his head. "I didn't..I don't know ok, I know I messed up and I knew you would get mad....but you were always with Nick and it's like nothing gets passed you..."

I shook my head. "You are so low Brian, how could you??" I couldn't bare to look at him. "I gotta go." I was about to walk off but Brian pulled my arm. "No wait a minute Amari, stay I want to talk to you about this." I shook my head avoiding it all. I didn't want to hear it. "NO let me go!" He wouldn't do it. I felt we were going back and forth, and we were.

I felt my stomach get tight. Brian still had my arms and tried to explain to me. "I love you and I would never hurt you Amari!" I took in a deep breath and looked into Brian's eyes. "BUT YOU KISSED MY BEST FRIEND! I wouldn't do that to you at all! LET ME GO!" I yanked myself out of his grip and ran out of the room. I had to get away. I felt sick and I couldn't talk to him at all.

Brian chased me all the way to the edge of the stairs. "Amari listen to me!" I looked back and shouted. "NO I'm leaving! Don't try and give me grief about me caring for my best friend and holding something from you from MY past that you weren't even apart of and then tell me this bullshit about you kissing my best friend Brian! What made you fess up? You didn't feel like holding it another 6 months? huh? until the baby was born??!" 

Brian shook his head vigorously. "It's not even like that, I didn't kiss her and she was drunk and I know that is not an excuse and I know she knew what she was doing....I just felt so bad after it happened...and I knew how torn up you would be if I told you once I got home..." I held in the biggest sob until he was finished. 

"So how do you think I was suppose to feel now?" I felt the set of tears stream down my face and my heart beat slow up. "I have to go..." Brian still didn't want me to go. "No..Amari please not like this...not while we're fighting..I can't let you leave...just..just let me make it right." I shook my head and started to go down the stairs. Brian stopped me and stepped in front of me in the middle of the staircase. 

 

"You told me you would never leave if we had a disagreement and I was to stick it out with you if we ever came to it..what happened?" My stomach tightened once again and I couldn't speak. "I can't do this now...I love you but I can't do this...you aren't going to trust me being with you while Nick, my best friend and yours is on the side...then how do I stay here? you can't even look at him without thinking me and him slept together." Brian took a small breath and looked away.

"I don't want to keep you from him but dammit Amariana I can't help it! I go through so much with you and I love you and I can't keep thinking that one day...you'd leave me for nick or someone else...." I was up against the wall not looking at Brian. I still had to go. I didn't feel very well and I didn't know what it was. I still had tears coming down but my voice was a bit better. Once again, I spoke. "I have to go..and if you care...about what I have...our baby, you will let me go." Brian looked as if he seen a ghost. "what? what are you saying??" I shook my head. I hated to have him feel this way. 

"Please let me go." I had to push my way passed him to get down the step but he stopped me again. "No Amari please! wait!" He pulled me back up the step and I nearly slipped. "BRIAN are you crazy!" We fought our own weight on this one step. I wanted to go down and he wanted me to stay. My stomach tightened even more to where the pain shot to my side. I let out a cry in pain. Brian stopped pulling me. "please...STOP..." I was getting shortness in breath and even unable to stand. I hunched down on the step.

Brian still didn't let me go. His grip was very loose on my arm. "what is it? I'm sorry I didn't-" I shook my head. "it's not you..I have to...calm down..." I closed my eyes a bit. I need to get back to normal, this wasn't me. what happened to me? I began shaking from fear on the step. I thought I would fall down the steps first of all and second, I thought I would lose Brian. Neither of them what I wanted to do. 

"please don't be mad at me..." I said in between a small sob. Brian sat close to me and wrapped his arms around me. "why would I? Forgive me?" I shook my head without any words. "we need to seperate...I need to think..." I said again. I knew this was killing him and he was saying why why. Hell I knew I was saying why as well. "It's not easy being your wife Brian...I know alot of people who trade me for this place and I wouldn't dare give it up...I can't handle the stress your career and my own puts on me...we have to think about where it will put us in the long run."

"I can't be away from you for more then 2 days...how am I suppose to be away longer than that? you don't understand Amari, I need you here with me, can't you see that? It may not easy to be my wife but it's even harder to be with you...I sacraficed alot for you in your career also...and what I get out of it...is the way you treat me. I know it's not intentional but I feel that I have to fight for you everyday...with my best friend...I have to fight with my best friend for my own wife's love and I shouldn't have to." He was right, and I was right but I had nothing else to say to him after this I needed this break. If we were going to parents, and if I was going to be healthy, I needed to break from him. For at least a while. 

*next day*

I went back to my mom's house to stay for a while. I told Brian I would contact him if I needed it. I told AJ to not tell him where I was either. No one knows where I am except AJ. I sat at the kitchen table while my mother did a crossword. "Amariana what's the matter honey? I haven't seen you this quiet since you were 17." I didn't answer verbally. I slumped in the chair. "mama did you and daddy ever fight?" My mother looked at me. "we fought...but it wasn't as much as you think. it was over the little stuff. I love your daddy honey very much...is this about you and Brian?"

I shrugged. "I feel like I owe nick mama...you know how it is...when you got that 1 friend that knows you inside and out..and they can tell you what you are thinking without even saying so...nick is my best friend...my brother and I just want Brian to see that." My mother nodded. "Amari, how much time did you spend with Nick before Brian? Actually meeting him?" I sighed. "he was here for 1 year before leaving..and he came back at 15...then he left again for 2 years...but it was like everyday everytime he was here...why?" 

"And what about after you meet Brian?" I thought about it. "it was like...less...I was with Brian more..." My mother nodded again. "you liked him." I shrugged. "well yea, I mean he knew that. I told him that the first day we met...it was like I couldn't get my eyes off him mama..he was so beautiful and nicky teased me about it and had me busting my ass to get him to notice me...and he finally did the day of their orlando show...is when he asked me out." 

Just because of that, I started to think of that same day. "nick where is the damn hat! cmon I want to wear it!" I shouted from inside the bus. Nick was in the bunk. "DUDE shut up! Go bug someone else! I am writing a letter to my mom!!" I sighed. I flopped on the lounge couch on the bus and stared at the table. the CDs were on it and I picked up the walkman. It was a mix CD of AJs and I wanted to listen to it. I grabbed it and started to listen to it. "oh girl, as long as i been giving my love to you, you should be giving me your love too oh but you just keep on acting just like a fool you know it ain't cool don't be cruel, cause I would never be the cruel to you I know oh don't be cruel girl you need to change your attitude, I know oh don't be cruel-" 

I was even doing my own little dance in the seat. I hadn't noticed that I had my own audience. I was spotted by Brian and AJ. with these unbelievable facial expressions. I stopped while the music was still going. I quickly took of the headset and sat it down. "oh...um...too loud?" AJ stared. "Dude...you were using my walkman!!" Brian looked at him. "Get it and it get away...now." AJ walked up to me and grabbed his walkman. giving me this funny stare. "This is mine..." 

I rolled my eyes. Brian grabbed a bottle of water and sat across from me. "hey how ya doing? you like the bus?" I nodded. "Duh, great show tonight by the way. It was so cool to see the firework effect at the end." Brian shrugged. "yea they were kinda loud. So, where are you headed?" Was this his way of small talk?? "I am...headed to Atlanta, just like you are. you guys are dropping me off in texas remember?" 

He nodded in absence. "oh yea...well...what about tomorrow night?" I stared. "what is happening tomorrow night?" Brian shrugged. "I duno...I was hoping, I could take you to the movies? but you seem pretty packed up with stuff to do already-" I stared at him in disbelief. "Yes." Brian nodded. "Yea I knew that so I should have asked earlier." I laughed. "No no. I mean yes I would love to go to the movies with you." Brian looked at me then smiled. "Really?? Like for real? Or are you just saying that to make me happy?" 

I gave a face. "well if saying I'd go to the movies is what makes you happy..then maybe we should go to get something to eat too maybe you'd be even more happier?" He laughed. "two dates huh...wow...I am better then AJ." Just as he said that, AJ came walking in fast. "hey hey...NO body is COOLER then...BONE...rok." I laughed. 

I heard the door shut and my dad came in the kitchen. "hey Amari, you are still here hon? don't you have a home to be at?" My mother gave my father a look. "Chris not now...Amari is having some...issues at home." my dad's whole attitude changed when my mother informed him of my quarrel. "what? what did Littrell do now??" God, this was all I needed. Whenever my dad disapproved of something...or when he didn't like a person he would do the last name thing. "Daddy he didn't do anything...he's just...well I'm...mama I'm sick..." Well that wasn't what I wanted to say just then but it all came out.

"you are? Amariana why didn't you tell me? what is it?" I stared at the table. "it's the sickel cell stuff...and I'm 4 months pregnant...but you can't tell." My dad stared at me. "he got you pregnant? when??" I could have sworn I just said 4 months pregnant. I didn't argue. "dad, stop looking at Brian as the bad guy...he didn't do anything but make me happy..." My mother was silent. she took one look at my dad. 

"then Amari why are you here? why are you not home with him?" I shook my head. "I don't know mama, I don't know. I just want to be able to be his wife and nothing more. I don't like to hurt him..and I am afraid of raising this child alone..I can't take care of him..nor Nick, and I can't even take care of myself, this baby will be doomed." My dad let out a laugh. "you say this like it is a curse." I looked at my dad with sad eyes. He sighed. "baby girl you will be fine...call your husband. he's blowing up my damn phone..and Mclean is also...call him..." 

I didn't want to talk to Brian right now. it has only been a day. I slept in the bed without him and I knew that it was killing me and I could only imagine what it was doing to him. "daddy I can't call him..not now..ok? Please don't tell him you saw me here...it will only make me feel worse and him feel guilty.." My parents got quiet. "guilty? about what?"

I sighed. "nothing that can be fixed now..look I need to take a nap, can I? or do I have more questions to answer??" my mother shook her head. "no baby you can go to sleep." I got up and handed my dad my phone. "please...don't ruin it this time." my dad gave me the biggest smile. He was like a big kid that just received a king size chocolate bar when he got my phone. I had to get some rest and I knew I couldn't if AJ and Brian were calling. Nick hasn't even called yet. That was one call I was going to answer.


	11. Then there were 3

I had been at my mother’s almost a whole week before I was able to talk to anyone else. I turned off my phone and was able to talk to people through my mothers. Angel was the first person I called. Just to check up on Nick. "hey twin how are you doing?" "I am great, girl where are you? You have such bad timing now! your husband is over here questioning Nick like he knows where you are." Angel said in a whisper. "he doesn't...and I am not hiding..if Brian was smart he'd come here." Angel laughed. "But your parents already said you weren't there that is why he is here...you should see how he looks...he looks like he hasn't slept in days."

I shrugged to myself. "I can't right now...look is there a way I can talk to nick? I am sure he knows about this already from AJ...and he has been blowing up my phone too..." Angel was silent. "Ok hold on...Nicky telephone?" And right when that happened I heard, "is it amari?" From Brian. Nick came to the phone. "hello?" I felt relieved but I had to make sure he was by himself. "nick are you around anyone else." "Nope I am in the back, what is up? why haven't you answered my calls girl you know how sick you are making everyone around here? I can't ever get Brian to calm down and my own mother is trying to figure out where you are let alone my dad, Aaron was thinking about sending out search parties. Until AJ told us today that you are fine. what is up with you? Are you alright?" 

So there for he didn't know. "Nicky, you gotta tell Naudia what happened...between me and you it may be hard to believe but I had to tell brian and I feel as if he doesn't believe it because of me being pregnant. I can't get him to trust that I only love him." Nick sighed. "You wana know what he told me today? Just this morning, he wasn't even doing rehersal....he says his career is keeping you away from him and he'd stop it all just to bring you home. now how does that sound?" I was quiet. "it sounds like a man that would give up all of what he loved just to be with his wife. Now...I don't know what your deal is Amariana..but me and you have to grow up. We need to stop being afraid of love and take it. You are about to be a mother soon and you are going to be damn good at it...I am about to have my first child also...we have to show our children that not only will we be great parents but we are great people." 

I was kind of scared to even go about this. The only time I had been away from Brian was when we had to do touring apart from one another but we always met up in another country or something. We never separated from each other because of distrust. "Is he..is he still there?" I said trying to hold in a few tears. "yes he is..he's talking to Angel...it's ok Amariana...I will always be your brother in heart no matter what you understand me? Don't break my best friend's heart. He needs you." 

I sighed. "ok...I'm coming over...keep him there somehow alright?" Nick agreed and hung up. I sighed one last time. there was a knock at my door. "Amari, can I come in hon." it was my dad. Probably wanting to tell me he broke my phone. "Yea." I began to pack my clothes in my bag. "where you going?" You going home?" I shook my head. "I'm going to Nick's." My dad sighed. "alright hell I gotta say something, look, you are the only person I can tell this to so, listen and don't tell your mother." I sat on the bed. "ok." 

"you are my only child and I watched you grow into a smart beautiful woman. Lately your choices have been kinda questionable." I was quiet. I felt like a teenager. "and?" My father stared. "AND I was coming to talk to you...that boy you are mistreating." I looked at my dad. "that boy? You mean Brian?" My dad nodded. "yea yea, him. Look you two been together for how long?" "12 years, including the dating. why?" My dad stared. "damn that's a long time." I laughed a bit. "daddy what is the meaning of this?" My dad shook his head. 

"you love him and you love nick right I know this. But you are having a baby with Brian not nick right?" I nodded. "yes that is right. and?" My dad pointed at me. "watch it. All I am saying is..hell..I don't remember what I am saying. Amariana, you love him and you better show it better than you have. I know how you feel towards nick but I have seen you with Brian and dammit you don't know what you got girl. I never thought I'd say that he is the best thing for you." I sighed. "Daddy he kissed my best friend...what do I do? How do I know he hasn't slept with anyone." 

My dad looked at the pictures on the wall. "you can tell a lot about a couple by the way they pose in pictures..." I stared at my dad. "dad?" My dad picked up Brian and my wedding picture. "look at this..." He showed it to me. It was me and Brian near a waterfall and a tree on the side. the both of us locked in a kiss. I looked at the way we were positioned. I remembered that this wasn't even the way we were suppose to be in the picture. I laughed to myself. 

"cmon Brian act right during the picture please?" Brian made funny face after face while the lady photographer snapped shots. I sighed. "Brian!" I grabbed his face and turned it to me. " please baby not today." I said in a tired out voice. He stilll had the way to make me smile. "alright alright...I won't make any funny faces anymore." I was about to turn back to the lady but Brian pulled me closer to him. "don't look at the camera." I was about to but stopped . "huh? what are you talking about boy?" 

Brian grinned and kissed me passionately for a long time before I was able to move again. "wow...Brian." I hadn't noticed that the picture was already snapped. I smiled to myself. "I love you Brian..very much." My memory ended when my dad shouted my name. "AMARI." I looked up. "dad can you take me to nick's? I have to talk to Brian." My dad smiled. "that's my girl...look if anything happens you call me in there and I will be superman." 

I shook my head. 'No dad, I already have my superman..I don't need 2 anymore. thanks though." My dad shrugged. "ok let's go." We drove to Nick's house within 10 minutes and I sat in the car. There in the driveway was Brian's car and AJ's. I took a deep breath. "daddy stay here ok?" My dad stared at the steering wheel. "ok, but like I said...let me know ok?" I nodded and opened the door. I walked away and went up to the house and rang the door bell.

I took a deep breath. it felt like ages since I had been here. Angel answered the door and greeted me with a happy face. "OH AMARI!" I cringed when she shouted my name out loud. She hugged my tightly which kinda reminded me of my tight stomach. "Ow watch it Ang...um..where is everyone?" she led me in the house. "they are out back...just talking." 

I sighed. "ok can I somehow talk to Brian without everyone knowing I'm here?" She nodded. "stay here." she left me in the tv room and pulled the door to. 5 minutes later, Brian and Angel appeared. "I thought you said I had a phone call?" Angel looked at her watch. "oops, my bad, well...later." she left quickly. It was quiet. "how's the baby?" Brian asked. I looked down. "It's fine...we need to talk..." Brian agreed. "yea we do..where ya been? I've been worried sick about you..you never answered my calls." 

I shook my head. "not because I didn't want to Brian, it's just so hard right now..." Brian crossed his arms. "what's hard about it? I have to go to rehearsal every damn day and worry about where you are with my unborn child, I have to worry about the paps all day coming up behind me asking me where my wife is and I don't know, so you tell me where in my life that it's not hard too, Amari I try so hard to not break down...very hard and it is unbearable to see you weak baby it is but it's life. We can't get through it if you keep running from me."

I was about to speak but I was stuck. "I..." I shutted up and looked at my hands. "Our wedding day was the most happiest day in my life...but the worse day in my life was the day I almost lost you in our living room on the couch...Brian I panicked and the first thing that came into my mind was that you weren't going to be ok, so don't sit here and tell me that I don't care about you." There was a knock at the door. "hey Bri, I will be back, I gotta go to the police station. Naudia and her sister have been kidnapped." Brian looked at me then back at the door. "ok." He waited for Nick to be completely gone before talking to me.

Brian sat on the couch near him. "what do you want me to do to make you believe that I am here for you?" He didn't say anything. "I forgive you for what you did to me. is that what you want me to say?" I was hating his silence like crazy. I sighed and looked around. "i'm sorry. I really am. I never lied to you...or kept anything from you except the fact of what happened between me and Mel, and that wasn't even a real thing. I felt nothing and I felt extremely bad for what I did...I know I asked you to forgive me but I know that in your heart you are still hurting-" I sat next to Brian. "I don't care about that...I forgave you and I meant it. I just don't want you to feel you have to compete for me, honestly Brian I am the same person you met." 

I started to feel that sharp pain in my stomach again and this time it went all the way up my back to the my neck. I quickly grabbed my neck and groaned in pain. "damn stuff is unfair..this baby is really kicking my butt." Brian stared. "I didn't know the baby had anything to do with the pains in your stomach." I nodded. "yea they are called contractions." Brian stared again. "But you only have those near when the baby is about to be born, you don't think you'll have it now do you?" I shruged. "not likely. I mean I just found out." The pain in my stomach came back. These pains felt like very harsh pelvic cramps but it wasn't just in my pelvic area, it was all in my stomach and in my lower back. Somehow it went to my neck.

"this is very weird." I wanted to stand up but as soon as I did, I went limp. My legs gave out and I fell towards to couch. I started to feel sick. "Oh cmon!" I shouted. I had to get to the bathroom quick. "I gotta run." I said hoping my legs would strengthen up and get me to the bathroom. Luckily there was one near the TV room. I went in and went straight to the toilet. I didn't even shut the door. I hunched over the toilet and my stomach started to hurt. I felt like I had to pee so bad but what was I to do, there would be a mess on the floor regardless. As I was about to gain my composer and sit on the toilet after getting my pants undone, I felt something come out of me. I was confused. "what the-" I peered into the toilet and saw a figure that looked like a baby. like a fetes I began to panic. "OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!" I pulled my sweats up fast and tried to run to get help. "BRIAN! BRIAN!" He came running in the bathroom out of breath.

"what?! what is it Amari?" I was in shock as I tried to get it out. "The baby..is in...the toilet...dead...it's...in..DAMMIT IT'S in the toilet!" Brian's eyes got wide and he ran to the toilet. He stepped back but then reached in the toilet to pick up the baby that laid lifeless in the water. He turned to me. "quick go call 911 ok hurry!" Brian grabbed a few towels and wrapped the baby in them as I tried to call 911. Nick's house phones were messing up. "NO! dammitt his phones are outta service!" I felt that sharp pain on my stomach. I looked down to see blood on my sweats. "I gotta get to the hospital fast Brian, i am loosing way too much blood." Brian asked me to follow him to the front room to get his telephone. we had to run but I knew that running would make me bleed even more. I spotted AJ and he started to freak. "OH! Amariana girl get some pads chick!" I shook my head. I started to feel weak. "AJ..the baby..we need a ambulance fast...I don't think I can..make it." I talked slow. I overheard Brian on the phone with the dispatcher.

"yes ma'ame my wife just had her baby...in the toilet and it's not crying or anything it's not alive it's about 4 months premature right now and I have it in my hands...I don't know how long I have...I...yes ma'ame ok thank you." I watched as Brian was freaking out. I was still in shock to see my baby in the damn toilet dead. I began to tear up and cry. "cmon we gotta get you to the hospital." brian said grabbing my hand. "No, we have to get the baby there. you go ahead I will stay here and wait on the EMS." Brian shook his head. "Are you crazy? Amari you are loosing alot of blood and you can die." I looked at brian holding the tiny baby in his arms. "and so can the baby...please Brian just go." I didn't have to convince AJ anymore either. AJ began getting Brian out of the house to get the baby to the hospital. Angel and Leslie decided to take me to the hospital and we were to call the EMS to tell them that we had a premature baby on the way along with the mother. 

We pulled up right after AJ at the hospital. I sat in the car as Angel got me a wheelchair. I watched Brian run into the ER and disappear. I was in the wheelchair escorted to a whole different room. I wanted to know what was going on with the baby. It didn't take them long to clean me up it took 30 minutes.I couldn't just get up and leave because the medical staff told me it could cause people to get sick. They gave me scrubs to wear for the rest of the time being. I found Brian on the 5th floor which is where they have the babies. He stared in the glass where the doctors worked on the baby. I walked up to him and stood there. I watched as 6 or 8 people worked on the baby. Equipment were being passed left and right and the oxygen tanks were near along with the scissors. I watched them as they pumped the baby's chest multiple times. I pressed against the window so that I could hear. I couldn't hear a thing. my heart began to sink. I was beginning to think there was no hope for this baby.

I felt Brian reach for my hands off the glass and pull me closer to him. "The baby will be fine...I promise.." I watched more. I didn't say anything. Watching the doctor's go back and forth on this baby for over 30 minutes...then suddenly they stopped. I watched one doctor look at his wrist watch. I knew what that meant. Time of death. I began to choke up and shake my head. "no no no ...no..cmon baby...please...for me...wake up..." I began to cry even more when they brought the baby out wrapped in fresh towels. "I'm sorry...Mr. and Mrs. Littrell." I shook my head again. "No..." I felt Brian's hand on my own get tighter. he was fighting his tears. the doctor walked towards me and told me that there was a private room to be alone with the baby. I finally knew what the attachment was. I didn't have it long and when I did I didn't know I even had it. Brian and I walked in the room with the baby in hands and sat down. I didn't start crying until I sat down. The small head and little eyes along with the small mouth and nose on this small being lay lifeless in my hands. 

"I'm sorry baby...mama is so sorry...I love you...I would have been a great mother to you..." Brian wrapped his arms around me and the baby. I couldn't stop crying though. This hurted so much. It was like I had the baby and then I lost it. I let my head rest on the baby's body as I cried. I wanted the baby to know that I was here for it even if it was dead. I heard my cries and even Brian's. In the distant, under the blanket I heard a thump sound. It was really slow. I sat up and looked around. "did you bring your phone??" I asked in a interrupted sob. Brian wiped his eyes. "no. why?" I listened again. "I think..the baby's heartbeat..." Brian shook his head. "oh no baby...its' not that..the baby is dead...your imagining it." I shook my head. "No Brian listen." I brought the baby to his own ears and held my breath so he could hear it. He had a hard time.

Brian unwrapped the baby that was in the towel and pressed his ear on the bare chest. He listened more than once this time. The baby was in his hands it looked like he was going to go to sleep on it. Seconds later, I saw that Brian's eyes lit up and he started to cry again. "what? is it?" He shook his head. "go get the doctor..." it took me a second to realize that Brian was telling me that the baby was alive. I got up quickly and ran out into the hallway. "DOC! HEY! DOC! SOMEBODY!!!" I shouted. One doctor that I noticed that was in the room with my baby came out. "what is it? what is the matter?" I grabbed his arm and pulled him ot the room we were in. "that baby is alive. can you save it?" The doctor took the baby outta Brian's arms and felt for pulses. "we can try, it has a heartbeat and before it didn't." I began to feel a smile creep up on my face.

The doctor immediately left the room and went into the other. I felt relieved. I looked back at Brian. He seemed a bit in shock. "that was...weird..." He said. I sat next to him. "Brian how could you say it was weird...that was a miracle...from God, he knows we need this baby to bring us together...our love for each other can be enough for this baby...I may not be ready to be a mother but I can do it...we can do it. we will be good parents." Brian took in a big breath and looked at me. "you gave birth without even doing so...that is what was weird." I had to crack a smile. "yea..you didn't get to pass out like the millions of fathers that witness childbirth." Brian smiled just a bit and it went away. "I have something for you..." 

It wasn't my birthday so what was it that he had for me? "what is it?" "first, I have done a lot of thinking in the past week that you've been gone and I realized that everything in my life that I have ever done has a purpose...everything from the mistaken kiss to nick giving you away at our wedding to...the day you ran into my car." I had to blush at that moment. "I apologized for that..." Brian nodded. "besides the point...every mistake...and every piece of happiness you get you say is because of Nick...well every mistake I overcome and piece of happiness I earn is from you. the passed 7 days without you was pure hell Amari and I hadn't really remembered how special you were to me...until now. You holding our baby in your hands and crying...a sad thing but it was so beautiful. I love you and I love every emotion that you give to me whether it is a pissed off one or a happy one, I don't care. I take you as you are because you've shown me that you take me as I am." 

I felt like this was his proposal all over again. He said stuff just like this, but it wasn't as heartfelt. It was but you know for the first time you get married you believe the words your mate says...this time I KNEW what Brian was saying was true. Brian got up off the couch and and got down on one knee. So this is what this was about. I stared at him. "Amari you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met...and I am not just saying that just because I am your husband, but you show kindness to everyone even when they don't deserve it. you didn't have to ever talk to me ever again after what I did to you...I would deserve it all. You have given me a second chance to be with you...in your life and now our baby's...we have made that little miracle out there that is fighting for life.I want to make it right. Amariana Joanne Colette Littrell, will you marry me again?"

I stared into Brian's eyes and smiled to myself. "you are amazing do you know that? My mama loves you, my daddy likes you and my entire family adores you. Why wouldn't I not take you back again? We never separated so proposing would be crazy Brian." he shook his head. "not at all baby not at all. I was planning on asking you again but never really thought when I would." I began to look around. "brian we are in the hospital...and you think here is a good place and time?" Brian got off the floor and sat next to me. "they say the hospital is a place for happiness and even heartache. We've experienced both today and we have a lot to embrace. Please just say yes." 

I looked down at the ring on my left ring finger. I looked at Brian. "you don't even have a ring to give me for the 2nd time...so how is this going to play out?" Brian gave me this funny look. "Girl you forgot who I was. I am a backstreet boy, I can get you a ring ok?" I snickered. "right...well until you get a ring I-" brian cut me off with a cough. "oh you mean one like this?" It was a 24 karat white gold ring with diamond in the middle along with stones around the band." My eyes got wide. "wow...it's beautiful Bri how did-" I stopped talking. I forgot, he was a backstreet boy and apparently according to him and AJ, "backstreet boys are soldiers and machines and they can do anything." 

Brian put the ring back in his pocket and the doctor came back in the room. "you can see your new baby girl." Brian and I looked at one another. "girl?" I smiled from ear to ear and so did Brian. We both followed the doctor to the nursery that was for the premature babies. Our baby was the only one without a first name. In bold black letters on the carrier, it said "Littrell." and that was it. Brian had to put on scrubs on over his clothes and we sanatized our hands and walked in. It smelled like newborn baby in the room. A refreshing smell that calmed me so much.

We stopped at the incubator where our baby was. I stared. "what's wrong with her?" I asked. the doctor showed us the baby's vital signs and her chart. "she has a weak heart and she has a respiratory problem. Along with laryngitis." I sighed. "poor baby girl...is she going to live? I mean is she at risk of anything?" The doctor looked at the baby. "it's hard to tell at this moment. she is very lucky and blessed to be here right now. A miracle you two brought into this world. Of course, there are symptoms that can occur later on in the child's life...mental issues, speech impairment. But all that is unknown." 

The baby was alive and that was all that mattered. I stuck my hand in the hole to hold the baby's hand. it was so small. it was the same size of two of my fingers put together. I watched her move her head and take in deep breaths. the tubes were hooked to her all over. her nose, her head even her chest. I felt so sorry for her and I wished this wasn't the way she came into the world at all. "what's her name?" the doctor asked. I looked at Brian then shrugged. "we weren't expecting her..and i kinda just found out I was pregnant so...it was never crossed my mind." there was a soft knock on the window and I turned to see Nick. I looked back at Brian wondering for approval. He nodded for me to go. I excused myself and went out to see nick. "nick what are you doing here?" He grabbed me and hugged me. "I am so sorry Amari." I hugged him back. "It's ok...she's fine..." I looked at him. "she? it's a girl?" 

I nodded. "yes, it's a girl...4 months premature...1 pound...she's a fighter...she wanted to live to see her mommy...and hear her daddy's voice..." Nick wiped his eyes. "she is a fighter huh...she'll be just like you Amari..what's her name?" I suddenly had a small smile on my face. "her name...I don't know...I'd call her miracle if I could..." Nick laughed. "I'm glad you three are ok...the police are on the way to get Naudia...she is headed from Montana...that is where she is." I nodded. "you want to see your neice?" Nick looked at me. "me? my? neice?" I nodded. "yes carter, the first baby in the family." Nick smiled and look out the window. "you better wait until Brian gets done." I looked to the window to see Brian holding our daughter and flashing this huge smile. To me, he seems to be the happiest person on earth. 

His smiled reached his eyes and he was crying a bit. that touched my heart. I looked at nick. "thank you nicky..." He gave me one last hug and left. I went back to the nursery. "you want to hold your new daughter?" Brian asked. Usually the mother is the first to hold them but Brian just couldn't wait. "we need a name Brian. we can't have a namelss baby." Brian looked up as if to look up to God to get an answer. " Taygen?" I stated to laugh. "where did that come from Brian?" Brian shook his head. He looked down at the baby. "what do you want to be called? I would hate to have you grow up and you want to change your name...how about Faye?" I walked over to the other side of him and looked down on the baby girl. "Taygen Faye Littrell." I smiled to myself. "name fit for a princess. what do you think dad?" 

Brian smiled. "I like the name, now we need to let the baby rest. I am sure we got lots of phone calls to make." I reached for the baby and held her for a few minutes. "I love you Taygen...you are my miracle baby...mommy will always love you. Always." I looked up at Brian. "Daddy will always be home too, along with your 5 uncles who will spoil you and buy you anything as long as you are a good little girl." I laughed. He was already talking to her like she was comprehending. I think she was. In the mist of all the crazyness, she gave a small grin with her eyes closed. No teeth at all. Just a big gummful of a smile. I immediately started to cry. Brian laughed. "Look she knows we're here. Aw this baby is a pure blessing Amari." I cupped my hands together as if to pray. "thank you god for keeping her safe and letting her live."


	12. First Time

I wanted to stay at the hospital all day until I knew I could take the baby home. The doctor informed us on that little note. "She won't be able to go home for a while. She is very weak, and she needs 24hour care around the clock and being at home right now can kill her." I sighed. I looked in the window. "when can she come home?" the doctor shrugged. "I don't know...for right now we can't speculate how long she'll live." I didn't feel like hearing this. Here I am a new mother and I can't even take my baby home? I knew what her situation was but dammit the doctor just made it worse for me. 

My parents made it up to the hospital finally. the look on my dad's face was priceless. He just kept staring at me. We were in the room the hospital let us stay in. "Dad stop looking at me like that." I said looking away. My dad continued to stay. "You didn't even look like you were about to pop...how the HELL could you have a baby right now? I had just dropped you off at Nick's house." I looked at my dad. "NOT now dad alright? please go and bug someone else." He looked at Brian but didn't bother. My dad left. "mama what is up with him??" I asked. My mother was looking at the window. "what's her name Amari?" 

I walked up to the window with her. "her name is Taygen Faye ma, she is so small...1 pound. I don't expect...I mean-" my mother cut me off. "Amari that baby fought for her life to be here, she is going to live. there is no way on earth she can die after something like that..." I pointed to the window. "mama they said she could grow up to be retarded...and not being able to be like other kids, I don't want that for her. I want her to be normal." My mother grabbed my hands and told me to look at the baby asleep. "Amari this is normal. you don't know how many babies are born like this and turn out completely normal...honey if it wasn't supposed to be like this then she would have come, just like she was supposed to. This was supposed to happen to your child...I am sorry that it did, but you have to accept this and go on."

This all still felt unreal. "I will be back, I have to go call your grandma." I sighed heavily. "Gram? you're calling her?? please don't...not now...she will talk about this for days..." My mother gave me that look. "don't talk about her like that, now, I have to go I will be back." My mother left and I was still looking in the window. "when are you going to call your mom?" I asked Brian. "I don't know...today hopefully. They are at church right now so..." He was quiet. I was still stuck on the fact that this baby was going to be different than the rest. How was I going to deal with this. Tell her when the time is right that she is different and that she came out dead, tell her that she may not live til the age of 18 maybe.

"If she lives, we can't treat her any different. We'll treat her like we would normally a little girl." Brian said. I turned to him. "how? how do we lie to her like that?" Brian shook his head. "no we wouldn't lie to her, but how would we look sheltering her from everything just cause she's sick or handicapped? that is no way for a child to live. we have to let her be a kid. We won't know what she is capable of doing if we keep her away from the world Amari. You weren't kept from it and neither was I so let's work together on being the best for our baby." 

Our baby...I never thought I would hear him say that. It took me days to warm up to the "my wife" statement. Now I have to work up to "our baby." I looked back in the window and had a memory come into my head. Our first night as husband and wife went smoothly. I was hoping our first time in rehearsal would go just as great.

"Alright Amari, this is Carmen, Netti and Jo, they are the girls you will be working with and learning the steps." AJ pointed to the girls each standing in front of me. I nodded. "cool. who am I dancing with?" AJ shrugged. "I don't know, it usually varies from time to time...I hope you know you won't be dancing with Brian the whole time." I shook my head. "I knew that...what else do I do?" AJ seemed to not know. "I am not sure, just follow along with them." We were all stretching for our warm up. I noticed one of the girls was touching Brian in a few of other places I knew of. I stopped the staring and began stretching on my own. Nick came up to me. "hey buddy, how are you doing?" He asked. I laid on the floor and stretched my ankle. "I am better...Nicky are all the girls so touchy?" Nick stretched his arms. "Um not all of them." 

I got up and fixed my shirt. "what about the one with Brian?" Nick looked passed me and stared at the girl. "oh yea...she's the new one...she's a good dancer...what about her?" I didn't bother looking her way. "I know I am going to have to get used to seeing other woman touching him, but she gets any closer to his dick I am going to have to kill her." Nick laughed. "No Amari, Bri wouldn't let that happen..." I crossed my arms. "I have to be able to trust him here while I am here and also while I am away...does this happen all the time??" Nick couldn't answer. "I dunno Amari, you have nothing to worry about girl okay? You two are married." I raised eyebrows. "just because two people are married doesn't mean they HAVE to be faithful..."

I heard buzzing in the room. A nurse was coming in with a basket full of flowers and a teddy bear. "you two have lots of people...you know the news is here?" I looked at Brian. "Oh no..." Brian shrugged. "I am sure...somebody told not meaning it to be a dreadful thing." no one knew I was pregnant so who could have told?? "everyone just found out...who could it have been?" the nurse shrugged as she kept bringing in baskets. I grabbed the cards and started to read them. "Brian and Amari, congratulations on your new bundle of joy, the carters- Looks like Angel was first to congratulate us..." I said. I looked at the other stuff in the basket. "teddy bears...blankets.....who bought all this stuff?? and it's all for a boy and girl..." there had to been someone who told. 

I looked through all the stuff. We hadn't even been here a whole day in order for the news to find. I noticed a small box with two bracelets inside. One said "daddy's little girl" and one said "mommy loves you." I smiled. "Brian Thomas Littrell, you bought all this??" Brian had the most cutest grin upon his face. "Amari cmon what did you expect me to do for a whole week? we had no diapers, no baby stuff...nothing...I even got the room cleaned for the nursery...me and AJ got it done. Although we don't the crib...but looks like we won't need it just yet since Taygen has to stay here." I smiled and went up to him and kissed him. "you are so amazing Brian." I hugged him tightly. There was still one question to answer. "how did the news find out??" Brian shrugged then hung his head. "I was out...with AJ on the strip and he was talking and a reporter caught us...they wanted to know about this is us but then I started talking about you...and AJ slipped. Sorry hon..." 

I shook my head. "its ok...do you think I can come back to work after all of this??" Brian was quiet. I didn't want to work ever again. I could never keep this baby out of my sight. 

 

** 9 months**** 

Let's just say that Taygen was worse off than the doctor told us. Her first 2 months in the hospital were pure hell for Brian and I. I hated it. Up there all day and all night. The doctor’s half the time didn't know what was wrong with her. It was for sure that she would grow up with laryngitis, so she would have a raspy hoarse voice through her childhood years and she would have trouble breathing with her respiratory issues. As for her heart, since she was born way too early her heart is extremely small and it was going to take a while for it to grow. 

Taygen weighed too small for a 9 month old baby. She gained some pounds but she was still small. She was able to wear the cabbage patch kids clothes for the time being because the clothes for a younger baby at her age, didn't exist. She had enough clothes to last her forever it seems like and let alone the diapers. Brian and I had a meeting with the doctor about taking Taygen with us. "She isn't ready..." I shook my head. "she is 9 months old Doc, how do you expect her to warm up to us if she isn't home with us." the doctor stared at me. "Mrs. Littrell you have been here every day for 9 months straight...and you've seen what we have done for your daughter...not much else can be done. she isn't stable to live with you." 

I sat back. "where do you expect her to go mister? that baby needs her parents." Brian said pointing to the window where Taygen sat up and played. "We were going to run the foster care by you...you two are very busy people...not enough time to take care of this baby." I stood up. "Bull shit!! you can't take that baby away for me after all we have been through with her!" The doctor seemed calm. "you two aren't stable enough for Taygen." I shook my head. "I can't believe this..." I got out of the office and walked around in the hallway. Brian followed me. "Amari, honey c’mon calm down." I shook my head. "NO Brian I am not. you can't sit there and tell me that this stupid doctor is right for possibly trying to keep us from that baby!"

 

I was so furious. My hands were shaking, and I couldn't control my anger. Brian came up to me and tried to calm me down. "Shh...quiet, I know this is hard...look he will not take our baby from us, ok?" I shook my head in tears. "she fought so hard to get where she is and she can't even be with us...I feel so bad and it's my fault...I would take it all back." Brian grabbed my face in his hands. "Amari we will have our baby. that doctor doesn't know anything. that baby knows we are her parents and she knows the fellas. she even knows my voice when backstreet boys is on the radio. tell me that is not enough to get him to see that she belongs with us?"

I sniffed so I could hold in my tears. "she reached for me today...while we were playing with her toys. AJ and I were putting on a little show for her and she wanted to get in...she stood up and took one step...and held her hands up and looked up at me. It was the most beautiful thing in the world Brian I wish you would have seen it." Brian hugged me and kissed my forehead. "we have all of her life to see her do great things." I kept in Brian's hug as I watched the nurse give Taygen food. "we should just kidnap her or something." Brian laughed. "baby that is not a good idea, we could go to jail." I shrugged. "it's worth it for our baby." there it was again. "our baby." I still couldn't get used to that.

We went back in to the room to rest. I couldn't rest right now. I stared at Taygen until I felt the need to lay down. I fought my sleep for 9 months. I felt like if I slept something would happen. Brian had no problems going to sleep. With the state he's in who wouldn't sleep? I smiled down on him sleeping. He looked so peaceful. I laid down next to him. I started to drift off into sleep. 

"Brian I am sorry that was a lame movie." I smiled at Brian as we lay at the foot of the bed watching the roll of credits to a sci-fi movie. I hated these but this was the only movie he'd watch without falling asleep. "It was huh?" Brian laughed. "Sorry I thought it was going to be good." "Amari, honey we'll be back on Monday." my parents were trusting me to be alone with Brian at 18 years old. Boy what did I do to deserve this!

My dad was the only one I had to watch out for. He felt no grown man could stay alone with a 18 year old. I had told my dad countless times Brian and I were always alone. It wasn't something planned but when you are dating a guy in secret from your best friend you have no choice but to be alone. "what do you wanna watch now?" Brian reached over the floor of the bed to push around the tape cassettes on the floor. "I don't care. we've watched 3 movies already how many more are there?" I turned to lay on my back to stare up at the celling and flew my arms carelessly over my eyes.

"Tired of them huh?" His voice sounded a bit like he was up to something...something not up to his own standards. I decided to play dumb and find out what he was up to. "Yes" I nearly sucked a lung closed when his hand slid under my shirt. My thoughts were running but what the hell was I to do?? This was the first time he had ever tried to actually touch me. "Brian." I whispered as my arms still covered my eyes. "Do you want me to stop?" Brian's hand continued up my skin to my bra. I felt my inner body flinch his touched tickled the hell outta me. 

"If you say stop I will." If he did stop, I wouldn't be able to find out what this was about. "Don't ypu dare." I uncovered my eyes to see Brain smiling at me. "I wouldn't dream of it then." He moved his body closer to mine and with his other hand stroked my face. I looked up at him and bit my lip. "Let me." he said to me in his southern drawl. I had to laugh to myself. Brian's lips came down on mine biting my bottom lip until I allowed his tongue to enter. 

I held my breath and stopped. "Brian can we do this?" I looked at him. want and concern were waging war on me. I had no doubt in my mind where this was going. I wasn't a virgin, but I couldn't tell Brian that. I wouldn't know where to start. "I know you told me about your times with guys and how you never been with one like this...I'm not trying to rush you...Amari I care about you too much to take this away from you...unless you want me to." Tonight, if this went down this would be the most special moment in my life and the best thing was that I was sharing it with someone I knew and cared about also. "I love you Brian..." He smiled and kissed me again before wanting to do more.


	13. Let's Take A Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sexual Content in this chapter.

Both of his hands were under my shirt and now working on removing my bra. I moaned as his hands accidentally brushed against my breasts. "what...what my parents? they are just now letting us be." "So let's be." Brian pushed my shirt up and kissed my stomach. My head was spinning. Brian had never made an attempt like this. Not for my lack of trying though. I had done many things that were suppose to be a turn on for a guy and failed numerous times. Brian would tell me I looked prettier then te diamonds in the skies and then give me a sweet kiss. He never crossed the line towards sex. and now that he did, my emotions were on a roller coaster and I liked it. 

Brian's tongue passed his lips and invaded my belly button. A trimmer ran through me and I was completely caught off guard. "Brian." "yea?" He kissed my ribs, working on my shirt to get up. "How...how do you know what to do?" I had heard he wasn't a virgin but I still wanted to know. "Relax, I've had a time gone by." I raised an eyebrow at him. "Once or twice?" Brian grinned. "once." I laughed in amazement. "you're pretty good." Brian smiled. I closed my eyes as my shirt came above my chest. "help me take this off you." I nodded and sat up pulling my shirt and bra over my head. Embarrassment washed over me as I sat under his speculative gaze. Brian smiled again. It only made me blush. 

Brian eased me on my back and whispered in my ear. "don't worry, this will be fun. I won't hurt you Amari." "I know." Nerves were taking over the fun as far as I was concerned. The last time I was like this I was crying and pleaded to stop. Brian's lips went to my neck. He spent extra time there knowing that I loved to be teased on my neck. Not realizing what I could with my hands, I tangled them in his hair. His kisses traveled to the valley between my breasts. Brian kissed his way to the mound of one as I took in a deep breath of pleasure.

His tongue came on to my flesh and teased the skin until it was hard and upright. He took the full of it in his mouth and began to suck and nip at it. I was at loss for words. What would a person say in a time like this? nothing. I couldn't say a damn word. When he took it between his teeth and tugged at it to get my attention, I moaned his name. For a person to only had done it once was pretty good at it. I bet those talks with AJ and Kevin paid off for him. 

I guess he had enough of that one nipple he turned his attention to the other one. As this was going on I played with Brian's hair. He drove me crazy with his tongue and I couldn't do anything about it. His lips on my breasts was a new and wonderful experience of emotions that I didn't want to end. I wanted to run my hands on his skin. "Brian take off your shirt." He stopped kissing only long enough to remove his shirt and then his kisses were on my abdomen. His fingers tugged at my pants and soon had them on the floor. Oh boy.

I blushed once again in embarrassment. Brian kissed my stomach once again and whispered reassurances against my skin. I could hear his soft voice in my ears as if he was right next to them. He kissed the line parallel with the trim of my panties as his hands rubbed my thighs and legs. My hands rubbed the back of his neck and shoulder blade.

"Brian...I want to touch you." I said quietly. Brian brought his kisses to my lips and rolled them over. I started to kiss his ear. I knew this is what he enjoyed because we spent hours of doing so on the bus. I could control him with just one action on his ears. His hands were splayed on my back and it made me a little excited. I kissed his neck and jaw bone.

I heard him moan as I shifted over him and mistakenly rubbed against him the right way. "You like that?" I was straddling his one leg and my thigh was pressed against him. I experimentally, pressed against him once more and was rewarded with a moan of my name. So that is what it would sound like. "Amari...baby." His hands were on my hips causing me to repeat the motion again and again. soon he released his grip and I just did it naturally. 

Brian's eyes were closed and his head titled back. I kissed his throat and continued against him. HIs breath became sporadic and his moans louder. I kissed his chest and nipple, experimenting with my tongue. "Amari...don't stop." I could tell he was on the verge of his own little climax. that I knew for sure. He started to thrust against me and I slowed my movement. Brian made a noise. It almost sounded like a whimper. I smiled at this. I was having my first sexual torture session. My sister talked about these a lot and I never knew how funny and pleasing they were. 

I backed my hip completely away from his throbbing member and his hands gripped on my hips. "Not yet." I whispered with a sexual tone that seemed to be suited for my voice. I kissed his belly and my hands worked on removing his belt. In moments he was wearing as much as I was. I bit my lup and I sat between his legs. "what's wrong?" Brian questioned sitting up on his elbows. "I don't know...I don't know what to do next." Absently my hand rested on his thigh as I thought. I heard Brian take in a breath again. He closed his eyes as my hand pressured next to the greatest pressure on his body. 

I smiled, having something new to experiment. My hand moved slightly to the right completely covering his manhood and he groaned with pleasure. His head started to fall back but he tried to keep it in one place. "so you enjoy this?" I rubbed my hand over him through the thin fabric. I watched him nod. "Don't stop." I smiled "can I stop long enough to take these off?" I could tell Brian was so out of it he didn't even notice it was a small joke. He just went about taking his boxers off as quickly as possible.

I grabbed a pillow at the head of the bed and placed it under Brian's head as he lay back down. The both of us gazed at eachother for a long time and smiled. We meet in a passionate kiss. "I love you." I kissed him once more. My kisses moved down his body and stopped at his stomach. I looked down at his ever-growing member. He looked kinda big on account I had never really seen one before. Biting my lip, i brought my hand to his member and wrapped my fingers around him. HIs sharp intake of breath told me that I must be doing something right. I started to stroke him and he absently thrusted against my hand. I smiled and continued.

As an experiment I blew cold air on his tip. He moaned loudly and asked me to do it again. I brought my lips closer and blew more on him. I had come too close and one point and my lips touched his tip. I liked away the small amount of wetness on my lips and found that I enjoyed it. I brought my lips to him again and kissed his lips. I went back to what I was doing before. "Amari?" Brian moaned. "What? what is that bad?" Brian shook his head vigorously. "No...more." I obliged and began to move my tongue all over his member. I grazed my teeth across him out of curiosity and then engulfed my mouth over him whole. 

"ohh Amari." as he neared his climax his hips thrusted towards me. At first, I was about to choke but soon found I had enjoyed it. When he came it was more then I could first swallow. A small stream dribbled down my cheek and I wiped it away in a instance. Brian reached for me in for a kiss. He turned us both over to where we switched places. "that was amazing." I kissed Brian again and again. His lips were one of my favorite features of him. 

"I want to make you feel the same way. will you let me??" Brian asked me. I stared. "what are you going to do??" Without answering me he removed my underwear. His hands rubbed my lower body and he split my thighs apart. He lifted one leg and kissed the inner part of my knee and then kissed my thigh. His kisses ran closer to my warmth. He ran his thumb over my wetting area. I moaned and my hands were gripped to the pillow under my head. 

He attempted the same torture I had on him and blew on my womanhood. I shivered and called his name countless times. I am not sure if this was a part of his curiosity or upon his knowledge, Brian entered a single finger into me. I moaned and arched my back. I felt everything inside me tighten. I then suddenly felt a second finger. Oh god two? . He started a motion of his finger entering and leaving me and I responded with moans and meeting his rhythm. He moved his mouth down to my and licked at my wetness. A trimmer shot throught the vibrations of his voice.

I gasped at it and griped the pillow again. He removed his finger and sucked away the wetness when I came. "Brian...I want you." When he leaned over I sat up and kissed him. "This is going to hurt Amari...but I will be careful I promise..." I nodded. "just take your time..." "I will." Brian braised one hand on either side of my hips and rested his tip at my entrance. He slowly entered a small portion of himself. I sucked in a breath. It didn't hurt I was just uncomfortable for the moment. 

Brian entered more and noticed when my entire body shook. "Are you ok...am I hurting you?" I tried to speak through the breaths I was very rarely taking in. "a little." "do you want me to stop?" "no." I kissed his neck. "Just be slow." "okay." Brian entered a little more and a small tear of pain trailed my cheek. Brian noticed and looked down. The great amount of pain in my expression. He kissed the small tear and pulled away. I gasped in moaned. "Did that hurt?" I found my voice again. "No...do it again." 

He entered again and though I seemed a little in pain I still enjoyed it probably as much as he did. Brian started a rhythm and soon I matched it. Our motions were slow at first but then started to speed up. "Brian." As I was near, trimmers shot through my body like balls from a cannon. One after another they came crashing down on my senses.

Brian's came at a rate just slightly faster then my own. I felt his hips thrust into mine as we both moved. Brian's hand rested on my back so that I could keep up. As much as this was, I felt like I was slipping into a euphoria with him. I felt a natural high as we made love. Our orgasms came one after another and finally, Brian collapsed on top of me. I held him close to me and I felt his heartbeat against mine.

Our bodies were meshed together and our sweat fell off our bodies. I kissed Brian's neck once more to assure him that I was no longer hurting. "I love you." I said. Brian returned the kiss. "And I love you."

There was another buzzing sound. Sounded like a vibration. I heard my name being called. "Amari? honey wake up. You're sweating all over the place babe." I opened my eyes to see Brian staring at me. "Whoa...I had the...most..." I stopped talking when I realized what I was about to reveal. The look on Brian's face was priceless. Something was the matter, something felt wrong. "Brian what is it?" I sat up. he had been crying it looked like. "Bri...honey what is it?" He tried to regain his composer. "Amari I am so sorry...I tried..." I was confused. "what are you talking about?" Brian grabbed my hands. "Your mama...she um...died...while you were sleeping..." I felt myself go deaf. "what? what...what are you saying? no how can that be possible?"

Why was he crying? Brian took in a breath. "I know how this is for you...and..." I shook my head. "where is she? why didn't you wake me up?!" I got outta the bed and made my way to the door but Brian stopped me. "She is all the way in Orlando right now..." I sighed keeping in tears. "she had more days than this..." My mother had been sick for a long time. I hadn't paid attention to any of it because of the baby being in the hospital. I didn't know what to do. "your dad is here..." After that stupid flashback of Brian and I, I wake up to the news that my mother is dead. I didn't know what to do. "I'm sorry..." Brian said to me. It wasn't enough. I was in denial. All Brian could say was, "I'm so sorry baby I am." I let him hug me tight as I tried to fight the tears from streaming down my face.

I couldn't stop crying in this room. I felt myself go into a state of shock when I cried. My sobs were uncontrollable. In this point and time, a person would call this a "good cry" where you just cry and cry no words no stopping. I hadn't cried like this since after I was raped, and Nick was the only one to help me. This was the first time I cried in Brian's arms like this and I felt embarrassed by it by all means. All that was happening was a lot to take in. My mother dying, my daughter being hospitalized, hell I could crack under pressure but the only reason I didn't was because Brian didn't.


	14. What about the baby?

After pleading with me, Brian finally got me to go home. Only because I had to see my father. It wasn't a good idea to get him to go back up to the hospital after having my mother fly all the way to Orlando, my father was going to be back the next morning to talk to me about the arrangements. So now all I had to do was rest. I got to see the nursery Brian and AJ put together as well. It was Winnie the Pooh and Tigger babies. I loved it. The room had a sense for a toddler as well. "I don't know how long she'll be in the hospital, but she has a bed out in storage just in case she is there longer then we expect...and then I got her some dressers, with some toys...I did a lot in one week." I nodded. "I see..." 

I was quiet. I stared at the pictures on the wall. It was set for a little princess ready to be welcomed home. On the nightstand was a picture of me and Brian together and next to it was a picture of me and my parents. In the frame next to it was one of Brian and his parents and the last one on the end were pictures of the fellas. All of what Brian did was so touching to me. I cupped my hands over my mouth. "Amari? honey you ok??" I shook my head. I didn't mean to say no, I meant to say yes but it came out as a no. I was looking for somewhere to sit but there was only the changing table I sat on the floor instead. "Amari baby what is it? Aren't you happy?" I looked around the room and then back at the ground. "I am Brian I am so very much...you have no idea...how happy...I'm just...I feel lost and happy at the same time..." Brian sat on the floor next to me. "You aren't alone in the world amari, you know that?" I nodded. "yea I do Brian but that still doesn't help the way I feel...we've fallen so far...and its crazy..." 

Brian reached up to stroke my face. He didn't say anything. He just motioned my face to look him straight into his eyes. I felt a tear weld up in my eyes. One tear cascaded down my cheek and Brian wiped it. "Don't cry baby...everything will be ok..." I wanted to tell him that I was afraid we weren't going to make it, that we weren't going to get to keep Taygen nor be able to see her. What if they take her from us and adopt her out? I was so afraid. "Brian, I don't want to lose her!" I said in a quick sob. Brian shook his head. "Shh shh..." Brian pressed his lips against mine to keep me quiet. I felt the tears fall on our lips as he kissed me. I didn't want this I didn't want him to shut me up with his charm or his seduction. I shook my head in disagreement. "No..."

Brian shook his head. "it's ok..." the both of us still closer together with his hands on my waist as we sat nearly on top of each other. it was so quiet that our heart beats could be heard and that our breathing was very rhythmic. I was calmed down from my crying. But once I had calmed down, I knew why Brian was trying to calm me down. Brian continued to hold me close to him as I calmed down. I looked at him. His eyes were getting a brighter blue by the second. I leaned in and kissed him again like he did to me. My kiss wasn't as short as his. I wanted to make him feel like he made me feel the first night we kissed. that feeling was installed in my brain for a long time I remember how he kissed me and I remember how he held his body to mine. 

"I wanna go to bed." I said looking at him. Brian nodded and got up off me. He helped me up and I looked at the room as a whole one last time before going to our bedroom. I shut the door behind me. Once to the room, I turned off the phone and took off my shoes. "Aren't you going to be glad to sleep in your own bed?" Brian asked as he got in the covers. I sat on the outside of the covers and laid back. "yea but I miss hearing her cry..." Brian sat up. "you are already having separation anxiety huh?" I shook my head. "it's not even like that. we were there for a month and I miss hearing her cry. I felt she was calling my name or something." Brian gave me that sympathy sound. It was more of a sigh and a "aw" mixed together or more so a "aw" whisper.

I laid back down and turned towards Brian. "how is it going to be on tour when we don't get to see her?? it's going to be hard when either of us can't be there with you." Brian laid facing me. " and it's going to be like that...times where you are gone and I have her and times when I don't. I will miss you terribly but it's what we have to do...she won't disown us Amari." I was worrying about things too quick for the time being. I was worried about too much. I was driving myself crazy. "can I ask you something?" Brian asked. I sighed. "what is it?" Brian laid on his back. "you have a choice...to do what you love...and to be what you love...what do you chose?" I was confused. "what are my choices??" "Your choices are my wife, a mother...and a performer...what do you chose?" I scooted closer to Brian. "your wife...without that I wouldn't be a performer...nor a mother."

Brian grabbed my hands and held them close to his chest. "not everyone is the greatest at everything...but you can be awarded for trying." I smiled to myself. "what do you chose?" Brian made a sound like he was blowing out hot air. "I chose...I chose to be your husband...to my wife that is the mother of my child and a performer to the world." I smiled even more. I held Brian's hands as we fell asleep. in the distant I could hear the baby crying but as I was drifting off, I could understand her more. It sounded like she was saying "mama"


	15. Couldn't get enough

I woke up to pounded on the door. I had been sleeping good for the first time in months and the pounding shook me awake. I nearly fell outta bed. THUD. was the sound I made when I hit the floor. "Oww." I said loudly. Still the knocking continued. It took me a good minute to regain my senses and to realize I had hit the floor hard. I guess Brian was awake cause he called my name. but I couldn't see him. I turned over on my back and stared at the ceiling. "Amari, why are you on the floor?" He asked finally. I sighed out loud and shrugged to myself. "Chillin...someone is at the door." The knocking continued again and this time voices were follwed. "BRIAN! AMARI! CMON OPEN UP!!!" It was AJ outside the door. I didn't want to get up but I had to let him in. He would wake up the entire neighborhood.

Brian got outta bed and staggered to the door. "dang we've been sleep for a while...it's 8 o'clock." Brian was walking to the door but I quickly reached for his ankle causing him to tip forward. "BABE! You want me to break something!" He said in between a laugh. I sat up. "You know as soon as he gets in here he won't let us be." Brian smiled and kneeled down to my level and scooted closer to me. "let us be? well we can make him wait. you know AJ." I twisted my mouth. "No we can't he will pound on the door even more and you KNOW how he is when he is kept waiting." "Let him wait..." Brian let his lips touch mine just a little bit. Almost as if he was teasing me. I hated it when he did this to me. He always knew how to get me excited in any kind of way. 

"you are so unfair..." I said to him. I sat up all the way and kissed him intensly and passionately. Our tongues had a war and our breathing got a bit heavy. On our last kiss, I tugged on Brian's bottom lip to tease him just a bit. His soft moan made me smile. "you are so unfair." Brian repeated to me. I bit the corner of my lip and gave him a seductive smile. "so what are you going to do about it?" I said. Brian kissed me again and picked me up off the floor and put me on the bed. He was straddled in between my legs as I wrapped my legs around his waist. We began to go at it for a while. I loved kissing him it was my favorite thing, even when we were just dating. He knew how to work his tongue I could tell that much. He didn't seem like the type to brag about it else where nor did he show it. When he didn't even say a word...but I knew it was in him. I knew Brian was some kind of a "freak" behind closed doors. 

Brian began to kiss my neck and touch my face lightly, enjoying my skin, which he says is so soft. I could tell he wanted something more, but didn't know exactly what. After more intimate touches and caresses, I asked him, "What do you want to do?" "I want you Amari...I miss your body against mine...say you will let me have you again?" I smiled and kissed Brian again. "anything for you baby." After that, we really didn't speak much at all. He kissed and touched my face, my body, at first avoiding my most sexual parts, but then lightly going over them, too. He gave me long, lingering, soft kisses, and I returned his touch wherever I could reach, which was mostly his back and sides. I lightly scratched his back and arms, and touched his face when I could. 

He kissed my shoulders and then reached for my tshirt to be pulled over my head. Once it was off, Brian lowered himself down to my breasts. He lightly kissed each one, and then licked them all over - not too wetly, but warmly and softly, seeming to savor the taste of my skin. Brian spent quite a while on my breasts, going over every little spot on them, paying special attention to my nipples. I stroked his soft hair and played with his ears and watched what he was doing with me. It felt so good, and so gentle!   
He abandoned my breasts and kissed me again, Brian quickly took off his shirt and laid back and then we turned so he was lying on his back and I was at his right side. I kissed him, lingering and slow, with my tongue dancing gently in his mouth. He let out a sigh, which showed his appreciation for that kind of kiss. I caressed his neck and his ears with my fingers, and then began to kiss his neck and shoulders, running my nails along his shoulder blades. 

We were both reveling in each other's scent, feel and warmth, using soft, simple caresses and gentle, loving touches. I kissed his neck again, and began to lick it, just lightly, and blow on the wet traces left by my tongue, which made him sigh again. I really enjoy pleasuring Brian and this time was to be different. I wanted to show him by being gentle with him, how much I loved his body, and how much making love with him means to me.  
I nibbled lightly at the tendons on his neck and blew hotly and lightly into his ear, which made him writhe a little and moan audibly. I made my way down his shoulders again and began to caress his chest and stomach, running my hands lightly over his warm skin. I kissed him again and running my fingers over his nipples, took a gentle hold of each one, one at a time, and gently, but firmly rolled them in my fingers. He seemed to enjoy that. I had found the pressure he enjoyed, which pleased me. 

I ended up taking off my sweats to lay on the bed with Brian and he took off his jeans. We were both nearly naked by this time. We started back up again. I kissed him every once in a while, and licked his neck and began to caress his thighs and hips a little, avoiding the centre of his sexual energy. We stopped, sharing one of our lingering, soft, moist kisses, and we lay side by side facing each other. He began to caress my legs, mostly my inner thighs, softly and slowly, in ways he knows make me squirm. Brian turned me over so I was on my front. He ran his hands over my back and it felt light and cool. He went further and further until he was at my thighs again, and he worked his way down to just behind my knees. 

After a few moments of this, he began to lick my back and the back of my legs. He paid special attention to the areas of my back which he knows are sensitive, and worked his way down my legs, brushing his hands over my rear end and lingering in the area just at the top of my legs where I was stoking a fire just for him. Brian turned me back over on my back and we began to kiss again. I ran my fingernails along the tendons below his ears and he moaned softly at the feel of it. He offered me his shoulder and I kissed it. I savored the taste of his skin and the sound of his groans of pleasure.   
I then worked my way back to his face with my mouth and tongue and gave him a long, more passionate kiss than the preceding ones.   
He returned the embrace with as much passion and offered me the right side of his neck. Soon I began to want a little variety, so I made a play for his ears, blowing hot air into them, and snaking my tongue deep into his auditory canal, causing him to twitch and moan from the feelings that I was causing in him. I began to nibble at his earlobe just slighly. his soft moans were quiet. 

Brian began to scrape hard at my back, which turns me on a fair bit, and we kissed again. Finally, he slithered his hand down my body and lightly brushed his hand against my womanhood and stopped. He took one look at me and kissed me again. Brian slowly removed my panties with his hands, once they were off Brian swiped a hand across my revealed skin searching for my clit. He rubbed it ever so often and when he found it, it allowed shivers to course through my body. I jumped at his touch, anticipating more. He delivered, that much was certain. He went exploring in the folds of my delicate lips, encountering my wetness and remarking on it. Brian didn't stop there, I was enjoying this but it was all too much to take. I pleaded a few times, "don't stop" and he kept on rubbing my clit a little faster.  
I felt my body tremble again and myself get wet. Nothing like has ever gotten me this overheated except the very first time we shared eachother. I began to grip the pillow with my hands in a sense of calm but I couldn't hold it. I let out moan after moan to the touch of Brian's fingers on my tender area. He came up to me and kissed me passionately. "you like that huh baby?" I bit my bottom lip and kissed him more as he kept going faster. I was about to explode.

He spread the wetness around with his fingers, put one inside me, at the same time I slid my hands in the hole in his boxers, manipulating his erect penis with my hand, enclosing the shaft with my fingers and gently, but firmly caressing his hardness with my entire hand. He and I slowly masturbated each other for a while, and then the pace of his fingers quickened. All this while we were still kissing each other, taking bites and nibbles and licks of each other's necks and ears. Occasionally he would groan in my ear just to see my reaction, which I found very distracting to what I was trying to do for him. 

After a short while of him circling my clitoris faster and faster, I stopped what I was doing with his penis because it was clear that I could no longer concentrate on what I was doing. Brian was manipulating me closer and closer to orgasm, and I was enjoying all the tightness and warmth of the sensations going through my body as my urgency for release increased. My head went back, my eyes closed and the kiss broke. He watched me closely, enjoying the expressions on my face... the grimace of concentration on the pleasure that he was giving me... the breathing that was quick and deep, and erratic. He was gritting his teeth with effort as his fingers moved fast and furiously on my sex, bringing me ever closer to release. "Cum for me," he breathed, as I squeezed my eyes shut and grunted with the onset of orgasm.   
Suddenly I became tensed in every muscle of my body as it imploded and then, just as suddenly my body involuntarily relaxed and my clitoris became too sensitive for a second. He knew the signal of the end of my orgasm and took his hand away slowly.   
After a brief period of relaxation and holding Brian close, he kissed me again. I could detect my aroma in the air in the room, and it reminded me that I had some unfinished business with him. I traded places with him by climbing over his body, and took his cock in my hand, gently stroking it with my palm down. He sighed in appreciation of my effort and I looked into his eyes as they reflected the pleasure I was giving him.

I closed my hand around his hardness and began to slowly pump him from top to bottom of his shaft, until he was solid and very hot to the touch. My speed and forcefulness increased as his breathing did, and he groaned and grunted his approval of my ministrations as he began to twitch and turn a slight shade of pink around his face, neck and upper chest. "Harder and faster," he demanded, and I was more than willing to comply, to see my lover explode for me. 

"Is this the way you want it?" I asked him after changing the pace of my fingers and hand until it was moving so fast there was no set rhythm, but a furious speed and a tight grip on him to keep from losing the contact. He nodded approval and told me not to stop. "Are you going to cum for me?" He nodded again. "Soon." His face tensed, the muscles in his cheeks and neck becoming more pronounced and his jaw and mouth set in a grimace of tension and need. "Don't stop!" 

"I won't," I replied and pumped his cock harder and faster still, and heard him gasp and saw his head go back. Suddenly he cried out, "Oh, my God! Oh God!" and his eyes rolled behind his eyelids, and his head went back as far as it could go. Brian's face, neck and upper chest turned bright crimson, and his head bounced against the pillow as every muscle in his body contracted backward in waves. My hand received a wet, slippery gift and I kept on stroking him even as his head relaxed back on the pillow, as he moaned in approval and his body shook with aftershocks. 

I laughed to myself. hearing him say "Oh my god." without any warning made me laugh. Brian got up and pushed me back on my back. Kissing me passionately. He positioned himself on top of me, with my legs on either side of him, and I stroked him until he was solid again while he held himself up by his arms, ready for when I put him inside.   
The initial feeling was fantastic. I was so wet there was no hesitation, and he went into me almost completely on the first entry. I gasped with the intense feeling of it; so sudden and fulfilling. Slowly, at first, he ground in and out of me, taking long, luxurious strokes and then slowly building to a frenzy of motion above me. He had everything under his control, including me. 

"Do you want to cum?" Brian asked me, while moving in such a way that every in-stroke was a deep and fast grind, and every out-stroke was slow and measured. By this time I was bucking against him, trying to get more of him, and faster, with my legs wrapped around his waist and my feet resting on his back pulling him into me with every in-stroke, and relaxing each time he withdrew. My arms and hands were touching his chest, his shoulders, his back and his face, and he had been kissing me each time he entered me with passionate abandon and a look of pleasure at my increasingly erratic breathing and sudden burgeoning lust for him. 

"Please, make me cum," I begged. I wanted so badly to find release while he was inside me, grinding on my body, and smelling his scent as the heat between us increased proportionately to my level of urgency. Brian slowed down just a little, which made me think he was going to tease me, but then went faster and faster and told me to cum for him. I grabbed onto his shoulders and arms, and held on tightly, my body beginning to convulse with the beginnings of release.

I could feel him growing inside me, his heat increasing and his pace as well. I opened my eyes and saw his face frozen in concentration as he watched my orgasm build and tried to hold on until I was about to cum. "Cum with me, Baby. Please, cum with me," I cried out, "God, yes!" As the dam broke, my eyes closed and my head went back. I clutched my body to his as I felt Brian pulse and expand inside me, having his own release as I had mine, each of us shouting our own words of relief and crying out in grunts and throaty noises as our pleasure came to a climax and then began to relax again. 

Finally, we collapsed, he laying on me, not disengaging, and holding me, gasping in my ear, silently relaxing with the satiation we both felt. I gently stroked his hair, and kissed his shoulder lightly. We lay there for some time just like that, silently feeling our passion ebb out. We went back to just being happy to be with one another, and didn't disengage until some worldly distraction forced us to come back to the real world around us and fully awaken to the reality of the late night.


	16. Planning to lay to rest

Brian and I both lay in our own scent on the bed. I had totally forgotten the knocking sound that AJ had caused. I soon remembered when Brian said my name. "Amari?" I looked at him. "AJ is going to be pissed." Brian smiled and kissed me again. "He'll live...you were wonderful...so amazing...I love you." I kissed him back. "I love you to you goober...better go shower..." I patted him on his chest to edge him up off me and get him out the bed. Brian made his way outta the bed taking the sheets with him. Leaving me with the cover that was half on the floor. 

I grabbed it along with fresh clothes and went into the hallway bathroom to take a quick shower. It took a 10 minute shower and got dressed. I put my hair in a wet pony tail and straightened my bangs. I got out the bathroom and ran downstairs. I looked through the glass to see no one. So maybe AJ left? I went to the kitchen to take some food out for dinner. When I went in there, AJ was sitting on my counter eating a sandwhich. A BIG sandwhich. "AJ! oh my...you scared the hell outta me...what...how the hell did you get in here?!" AJ was finishing up his food before answering. 

"I let myself in...you never came to the door and I waited for 10 minutes and realized I had a key from when Brian and I were fixing up the room...so I came in." I looked around and back at him. "You didn't...hear anything did you??" AJ was sipping water out of a cup. "what you and Rok having sex?? no..." My mouth dropped and I could not find any words to even start to explain. 

"I...I um...J..." AJ laughed. "Girl.....you act like I don't know...you two are married for God sakes...you do what you want. Now...where is my little neice I wana play with her!" AJ said clapping his hands together and making faces. I shook my head. "AJ...you don't know? she never came home yet...we have to fight for her.....she is still a little weak." AJ sighed. "oh, sorry Amari...well hope she comes home soon so I can see her." he said laughing. Minutes later Brian came in the kitchen. Clean clothes and all. I felt all eyes go on me. "what??" Brian looked at me then back at AJ. AJ had the biggest look on his face. He walked passed Brian and nudged him. "You try to get closer but she always pushed you away, yea you can't hold on anymore your body's calling for her so please don't hesitate no, BOYS WILL BE BOYS." I hung my head. Brian was so lost it was hilarious. He was back to the clueless Brian that everybody knew. But I knew it was only for show.

While AJ was over bugging us, my dad came over to talk about the arrangements for my mother. "Dad she wanted to be cremated." My dad shook his head. "NO Amari I am not burning my wife!" AJ was eating some cookies. He slightly raised his hand. "Um...Mr. Colette...she won't be able to feel it, I mean being cremated is another spiritual aspect...her soul is in heaven and her body is just remaining on earth for what? you want to remember how she was and you don't really remember her body do you? you remember her spirit." God I was hoping my father wouldn't lash out on AJ.

My dad took a deep breath. "What do you think Littrell." My dad was in his bad mood. "huh? What do I think? Well...AJ is right...but you do what you feel you need to...but if she wanted to be cremated then do so." I looked at my dad and gave him a pleading look. "Daddy please do this for mama...it would be her last wish. you know that you don't like gravesites...so do this so she will always be in the home." My dad was quiet. "your sister is going to read a poem...what are you going to do???" I froze. "Do? I didn't know we were supposed to do anything..." My dad placed the packet on the table. "you are your mothers’ beneficiary. You are first to read her will." I sighed. "I don't want anything daddy..." My dad pointed. "then read the last paragraph." 

I took it and started to read out loud. "To my darling daughter Amariana Joanne Colette Littrell and her husband, Brian Thomas Littrell, and my new born first granddaughter, may all of your endeavors be greater than your time on earth. Life is short and the time you spend with one another should be cherished. My daughter I love you so much and I am so proud of the woman that you have become. I leave to you the rest of my savings; I have been saving this ever since you were 12 years old. Intentions were for your college, but you were blessed with a internship in New York. So, I am giving you this to do with what you please. I also leave my humble abode along with everything in it...to you and your father. I love you my child and God Bless." I closed the will up and looked at my dad. "thanks dad...I still don't know what to do..." My dad shrugged. "you do what you love Amari..." It was quiet for a while. "oh yea, now I remember why I came over here...Brian we got a few interviews today." Brian stared at AJ.

"what?? Today?? Why didn't you tell me this hours ago when we were together AJ??" AJ shrugged. "Sorry dude, but you were a bit tied up at the moment-" I cut him off. "Thanks for that!" My dad seemed clueless. "yea...so...we have to go to the radio station up the street for an interview...and then 2 tv shows and a meet and greet." Brian sighed. "they expect us to do this all tonight. It's 830 in the night AJ." AJ shrugged. "unless we continue tomorrow but we have the next interview in 30 minutes. Better leave now..." Brian got up and kissed me on my forehead and tried to get AJ out the house. "C’mon Bone, be sure to listen to the radio babe." and he left. It was just me and my dad.

*1 hour later* 

"hey California, we are here in the T95 radio station with the Backstreet Boys, how ya doing fellas?" "we're doing great Chris, it's great to be here." "Now, news going around about two Backstreet Dads, Nick Carter and Brian Littrell. Nick, you and Naudia have been expecting your child for a long time. How was the process?" "Well she came to me while I was in the hospital and told me we were going to have a baby, she was 6 weeks. As the months went on, it was just a normal thing. She would get the morning sickness and stuff like that, it was a healthy birthing process." "Brian I heard you and your wife Amari had a difficult time?" "Yea we did, she told me she was pregnant at 4 months, at the same time she was sick so it was hard to tell if she was showing. we had been away from one another for 1 week and she came to see me and Nick's family's house and she had the baby right there in the bathroom." 

"Wow, what went on in your head at the moment?" "Well, I didn't know what was going on...and when she called me she was in a panic and told me the baby was in the toilet so I rushed in there and grabbed it and we tried to get an ambulance but I thought it wouldn't be fast enough she ordered me to get to the hospital fast...AJ drove us there and when we got there, they took Amari to the back and the doctor took the baby from me and I followed him to the operating room. I watched as they performed CPR on her body and it was just unbearable to watch. I couldn't do it but I had to." 

" So what happened after that?" "well, after that, Amari came back and watched with me...we waited and finally the doctor told us that the baby had died. The look on her face was heartbreaking. The doctor allowed us to take the baby to a room. We spent 10 minutes with her and Amari discovered that she was alive again so we got her back to the doctor. Found out the baby was a little girl." "that is a real amazing story. Nick how did you feel? I know you and Amari go way back." "Oh man, I um, when I found out I left my house and went to see her and she was fine, she told me all of what happened. I was glad to see them ok." 

"Brian how did you and Amari come with a name for your baby?" "Honestly, it just came to me. We didn't really have time to prep for her because it was only the 4th month and we had just found out. everything happened so fast it was like a crash." "how is the baby now?" "oh she is better than ever. Although she is still in the hospital, she is healthier. she is in the right place." "has anyone else seen her?" "Yea, actually Howie and I went to see her a month ago, she is getting bigger...she is the size of one of those baby dolls the kids carry around. She is the prettiest baby I've seen. next to Nick's baby. She has these blue-ish brown eyes, brown hair and two big dimples. Looks just like Amari mixed with a Littrell it's weird." 

"(laughs) alright, how is touring going for you all??" "I can't wait. Tired of being home." "why is that AJ?" "We miss our fans and we miss the stage. I love being on stage and its the best feeling ever. I am sure the dads' will love to be home with their daughters, but I know they miss the stage too." "Yea same here, I love the stage but the little one is what I will miss the most." "Alright guys, thanks for stopping by and it was nice seeing you again. You tell those lovely ladies I said hey and can't wait to see them on tour." "Alright later."

 

I turned off the radio. My dad was staring at me. "you are thinking about going back to work??" I shrugged. "I don't know. I miss the stage and I like to sing and dance, but I don't know. this may be my last time being on stage." my phone started to ring. "Hey Mel, what's up? yea she did...a few days ago. thank you I appreciate it. what? no I am not singing at the funeral...do you know how hard that'll be? Mel...no...NO...(sighs) girl...please not now. Alright. FINE ok...bye." I hung up the phone. "what did she want?" My dad asked. "She and Crystal wanna sing at mama's funeral as a goodbye to her and to our business...they know I need to be with Taygen and they said that I can once I get this done."  
My dad stared at the booklet he gave me earlier. "Are you sure you will be able to do this?" I nodded. "I have to this is the last time. So what better way to do if for my mother."


	17. Letting go and starting a new chapter

**Funeral Day*   
The church was packed and I was feeling nervous. I had a few tears before we left the house and then once I got in. The fellas made it to the funeral along with Naudia. Nick brought his entire family and they got to sit up front with me. The ceremony hadn't started yet. I was in the back getting extra obituaries to give out and what not when there was a knock on the door. I turned to see nick. "hey buddy how are you holding up?" He asked. I shrugged. "Better...how are you? I seen your baby. She's beautiful." Nick smiled. "I seen yours this morning on the way up here. She looks just like you. How is her medical status?" 

"She has what her daddy has...and she has larangitis that can't be fixed." I picked up more obituaries and stacked them. "Then she'll be the first backstreet boy turned female." I looked at nick he had this funny smile on his face. "Nicky what are you getting at?" Nick shrugged. "She has a few medical issues, so what? that shouldn't stop her from being what she wants. you think people are going to treat her different and some may. As long as you treat her and raise her to be humble about it and let her know that God has a plan with what she is." I smiled. "thanks nick. Why aren't you out there with your family? 

Nick turned behind him and looked at me. "well I can't really say all my family is out there, my sister is in here, just wanted to check up on her." I smiled again and gave Nick a hug. "I'm fine thank you." The both of us walked out and sat down next to our family and waited on the preacher. He reached the podium. "please stand." He spoke into the mic and we all stood. I watched as everyone in the chapel stood at at the same time. the band that was up front played a soft song as the casket barriers brought in a white casket with red roses on top. I felt my heart sink and tears immediately fall to my cheek.

Crystal and Melanie were behind me and they patted both sides of my shoulders. Once the casket was up there, we were all told to sit. I sat down still in a little shock. the casket was right in front of us. The preacher said a few words and read a few scripts out of the bible. Ones that my sister mentioned were my mother's favorite. Next, my sister read her poem about my mother. She stood at the podium and wiped her eyes some. She took in a deep breath and began. "Our mother is the sweetest and most delicate of all. She knows more of paradise than angels can recall. She's not only beautiful but passionately young, Playful as a kid, yet wise as one who has lived long. Her love is like the rush of life, a bubbling, laughing spring That runs through all like liquid light And makes the mountains sing. And makes the meadows turn to flower And trees to choicest fruit. She is at once the field and bower In which our hearts take root. She is at once the sea and shore, Our freedom and our past. With her we launch our daring ships Yet keep the things that last..."  
Once my sister was done, Crystal nudged me to get up so that we could go up there. I was nervous. I couldn't stop crying. Brian grabbed my hand and squeezed it. I squeezed his back and followed Crystal and Melanie up to the front. I grabbed the mic and cleared my throat. "I want to thank you all for coming today...my mother was a special person inside and out and I wanted to thank you all on behalf of her. Thank you." Melanie told the band to play the Celine Dion song; "Goodby'es the saddest word" I Had never sang this before and I hoped I would do it some justice. 

The song started and Crystal started to sing. 

"Mamma, you gave life to me.   
Turned a baby into a lady.   
And mamma, All you had to offer was the promise of a lifetime of love.   
Now I know...there is no other love like a mother's love for her child.   
And I know, A love so complete Someday must leave, must say goodbye..."

Crystal stopped and Melanie and I started in. "Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear. Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near Someday you'll say that word and I will cry. It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye." I kept on going. I could see people in the pews crying. I had to keep my composer. 

"Mamma, You gave love to me turned a young one into a woman.   
And mamma, All I ever needed, Was a guarantee of you loving me.  
'Cause I know there is no other love like a mother's love for her child.   
And it hurts so...That something so strong someday will be gone, must say goodbye..." 

The three of us got closer and I put my mic on the stand and held it at the bottom. 

"Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear.   
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near.  
Someday you'll say that word and I will cry.  
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye"

"But the love you give will always live...You'll always be there every time I fall. You offered me the greatest love of all. You take my weakness and you make me strong. And I will always love you 'till forever comes..." 

As the music played, I felt the tears fall again and I knew people could see it on my face. I just hoped they didn't hear it in my song. 

"And when you need me I'll be there for you always.   
I'll be there your whole life through.   
I'll be there this I promise you, mamma.   
I'll be your beacon through the darkest nights.  
I'll be the wings that guide your broken flight.   
I'll be your shelter through the raging storm.   
And I will love you 'till forever comes.   
Goodbye's the saddest word I'll ever hear.   
Goodbye's the last time I will hold you near Someday you'll say that word and I will cry.  
It'll break my heart to hear you say goodbye...'Till we meet again...Until then...Goodbye."

Everyone clapped and let us get off the stage. I went back to my spot next to Brian and my father and was greeted with the warmest hug from Brian. I felt the need to cry as soon as he wrapped his arms around me. "It's ok baby...it's alright." he said in my ear. I held him close to me. I knew he could feel my staggered sobs against him. I had to pull myself together. My father patted me on the head and went up to the podium. He started to resite his vows from his wedding day. he was so torn into pieces and I could hear it in his voice. "my love, I will be beside you through sickness and health, when the skies are grey and when there is rain in the, you will always be my love, my life. I love you."   
After the service, we all went out into the garden. the preacher brought me the urn that my mother was in. "Do you wish to dump these?" he asked. I shook my head. "No I want her to stay with my father...if that is possible." He handed the urn to my father and left. Naudia came up to me holding Lilyanna. "hey Amari...how are you?" I shrugged. "I'm fine...you?" She held Lilyanna closer to her. "Fine...look I just want to say that I didn't-" I cut her off. "stop it's alright...girl that was months ago...we're ok." She gave me a smile and left. Kevin came up to me following Brian. "hey hon." Kevin said to me reaching for a hug. I hugged him back. "I'm glad you made it." he smiled. "I have known you since you were 16. Of course I'd come." I rolled my eyes and Brian laughed. "Kev...17 honey 17..." Kevin smiled. "I know that." 

 

4 years later. 

I was in search for my nike shoes and I couldn't find them. I searched everywhere. "Shit...TAYGEN!!!!" I grabbed my bag and began running down the hall. I heard little footsteps behind me. "mama, I'm hungry?" I shook my head. "Not now...where is mama's shoes??" Taygen rubbed the top of her head causing her brown hair to fall. She simply shrugged pouting her lip. She looked like Brian everytime she did it. I sighed again. Taygen looked around and took off full speed to the kitchen. "(sighs) Taygen Faye!" I had ended up chasing her around the island in the kitchen. Her little laughs filled the room. I was not in the mood and she knew it but she did it anyway. 

I heard keys in the door and then Taygen shout, "DADDY'S HOME!!!!" I then heard Brian repeat it in his normal voice. I heard others as well. I was exhausted. I wobbled into the living room to see Brian, AJ and Kevin walk in. I leaned against the couch. Brian was spinning Taygen around in the air. I crossed my arms. "now...you wana come and greet your wife? before she leaves for New York??" Brian stopped spinning Taygen in mid air and held her up staring back at me. "who? today?? that's today?" I nodded. "I called the hotel and told you to be here early so I can fly to New York for the show...AJ didn't tell you???" I heard a SMACK sound. AJ smacked himself in the face. "Shit...I forgot...Bri, Amari is going ot New York....." Brian rolled his eyes. "Gee thanks AJ..." He put Taygen down and she went off to greet AJ and Kevin. 

Brian walked up to me and was about to kiss my lips but I turned my face letting him get my cheek. "Oh? is this a new way of greeting your husband after 4 months?" I raised an eyebrow. "and is this how you treat your wife and daughter?? Brian you didn't call for 2 weeks..." Brian sighed. "I tried calling. you never answered. I even contacted your father to get you to pick up." I walked away to the kitchen. "Amari cmon don't be like this!" He said in a whisper I picked up a wooden spoon and pointed it in his face. "BRIAN LITTRELL our daughter had her first MRI and you weren't here!!" I held the spoon in my hand. "you promised me I wouldn't do this on my own, and I had to sit and listen to her...call for you and you weren't around...and when she realized you weren't coming home it hurt me because I know how much being in her life means to you." 

Brian nodded. "yea I know...but...you know how they get on tour, I can't leave I can't do anything..." I took in a breath. "that has never stopped you before Brian." I was right and it hadn't. "mama!!!" I heard Taygen shriek in tears. I paniced and dropped the spoon. AJ and Kevin were calming Taygen down. She was on the floor holding her chest. I had dealt with stuff like this before. "Taygen honey, remember what mama said? Breath slow ok? sing a song ok?" Taygen shook her head as she lay on the couch. "mama it hurts." I nodded. "I know baby I know...look daddy is here, you want him to help mama sing with you?"

She nodded and wiped her eyes. Brian came and sat next to me as I put Taygen in my lap. AJ and Kevin sat near. Taygen was trying to not cry as much. "mama sing..." I looked at the fellas. I didn't know what to sing. "I don't know what to sing..." I then noticed that it was about to rain out. "sunshine blue skies, please go away, the boy has found another and gone away...with him with my future my life is filled with gloom so day after day i stay locked up in my room...I know to you it might sound strange but I wish it would rain...cause so badly I want to go outside its such a lovely day but everyone knows that big girls aren't suppose to cry, you gotta cry cause crying eases the pain away." Taygen started to calm down a bit. She wiped her eyes again. "You're still here daddy." Brian smiled. "Yes Taygen Daddy is still here ok? always."


End file.
